Month: September 2015

Fashionable Me

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the lucky ones that get to go to a new home (where someone will wear them)
the lucky ones that get to go to a new home (where someone will wear them)

Home improvements have temporarily deprived me of a closet. All my clothes are stacked on chairs in the room that’s become my bedroom. It’s the perfect time to implement the “tidying up” principle and get rid of clothing that doesn’t make me happy (read about that here). Today I am picking up each piece and asking myself if it goes or stays. There’s something very revealing about the process. As I listen to my self talk, I hear this person who has trouble letting go…

  • this one fits, I wonder if I can get that stain out, keep
  • that one was just what I needed (that one time three years ago), keep
  • hate this color, but wow, no stains, have to keep it.
  • where has this been? how come I’m not wearing this! Wear tomorrow, keep
  • this always makes me so hot, but what if I move north, better keep
  • this one never shrinks or shows dirt, keeper for sure (never wear it)
  • I paid for this one new, can’t give it away yet (never wear it)
  • my daughter gave me this (sob), fits her so nice (not me) keep
  • nice blouse (not for me) maybe mom would wear it, keep
  • cute but what was I thinking, I’m not 20 anymore, maybe daughter would wear, keep
  • this might go under something (couldn’t ever wear by itself), keep
  • love this one (nearly broke arm getting out of it 😦 ) keep
  • I look so good in this one, can stitch up the hole, maybe, keep
  • I love the way this one feels (one day a year in Florida…), keep
  • my favorite color, except for the stain, keep and wear for dirty work
  • this seemed like a great idea when I was in Cambodia, might go again, keep
  • I know there must have been a reason I bought this, keep

Funny thing, the happiness factor hardly ever enters my mind when it comes to clothing. It’s so much more about serviceability and protection and staying on comfortably. Not that I don’t appreciate a little color and style on occasion, just sayin’…

So what does your closet look like? Have you tidied up lately?

Know how I feel about my mom?

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Dear Mom,

Good morning and I’m thinking about you as I sit in a quiet house having the morning’s first cup of coffee in “your mug”, the one you didn’t want to send off to Good Will when you moved.   I’m saving it for you.  I like it too.

I just want to tell you that I feel so blessed, at my age, to be able to write a letter to my mom and have her be able to read it.  A lot of people don’t get the chance.  That you are still here is partly because you are not that much older than I am, only 18 years, and partly because you navigated the storms of life pretty well.  You probably don’t feel like you did it all intentionally but you did make many simple decisions to be patient, to be faithful, to not worry, to work, to ask for help, to trust others, to love and to be flexible.  They all add up.

And now we are in a different season.  For the first time since you were a teenager, you are exploring who you are by yourself.  Once again, I am so amazed at your ability to try things and come to conclusions about them.  While many who lose a spouse would retreat and let themselves be forgotten, instead you are reaching out to your family and friends and being a part of their lives.  You’ve concluded that you don’t like to be living alone – a good thing to know.  I am so looking forward to spending time with you again, not just to visit, but to have those longer shared experiences.

Now that my own children are out of the house and working on their lives and careers, it is a comfort to me to know that you have been through that part of motherhood.  You’ve seen us kids make bad decisions, go through tough times, lose people we love, wrestle with faith, take risks.  You lived through it, and because of that I know I can too.

I’ve always wanted to spend more time with you – you were a fun mom – but even more so as I became aware of you as an interesting person, not just a mom.  I loved interviewing you a couple years ago and finding out details of your early years with your own parents and siblings.  As someone who reads and recognizes a good story, I realized I was hearing one.  There is a tendency as a child to think you know your parents, after all you grew up with them.  What it really means is that they know you much better than you know them.  I look forward to learning more about you.

I will see you in less than a week.  We will talk, share our morning coffee times, read together, do a jigsaw puzzle or two, take some pictures of us together, sort through life, laugh, remember…. I look forward to it.  So grateful for the time.  Love you Mom.

The Future Starts Now (Scary): A Windows 10 Review

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At this point, I think you are very brave talking about the future....
At this point, I think you are very brave talking about the future….

And who better to write a internet technology review than me?  After all, I was one of the lucky few (smirk, smirk) to be offered a free Windows 10 upgrade, not only once, but EVERY time I opened my computer for the last couple of months.  Smarter, faster, more secure… what’s not to like about that?

Evidently Windows 10 is new enough that not many reviews have been written about it.  I couldn’t find any as I was toying with the idea of trying it.  I asked around among my tech savvy friends and no one had any advice to offer.  I didn’t find any help online either.  Finally, just to get rid of the annoying pop-up I agreed to try it.  The marketing lesson here is that if you  badger people long enough they will agree just to get rid of you. But we knew that…

The upgrade was pretty easy since it required nothing of me except for checking boxes that gave permission for me to turn my life over to Microsoft for pretty much anything they wanted to do with it.  I can see that it’s true – they have to know all those details about me in order to know what ads I would appreciate seeing (never) and what movies and news programs I want to watch (not).  Advertising specifically tailored to my needs is very important.  I don’t even remember what I did with my needs before the internet came along.

The initial appearance of my start screen was, well, smaller? Instead of charms spread across the whole screen they were all lined up in a small box on the left of my screen.  I later learned that was desktop mode.  I learned it when I accidentally got in tablet mode and couldn’t find a way back.  You’re thinking “why didn’t she watch the tutorial?”  I watched the little movie.  I watched it every time I encountered a new question.  They were always clicking buttons and tabs that I didn’t have on my screen.  I gave them virtual punches in the face.

After not being able to open my Open Office program for several days I finally adjusted by stopping production of documents.  I was pretty proud of myself for that fix. After a couple weeks of learning my way around and thinking “I can do this” I noticed a weirdness of slow motion taking over my usual online activities.  Not wanting to blame Windows 10 for every interminable black screen, or frozen loss of control episode, I called my computer’s doctor and got a prescription to clean up and check for viruses.  It was about time anyway.

All was well, as I recall, and I was thinking things were moving along a little faster. Truthfully, I don’t remember everything that transpired in proper sequence.  Did I close down and restart before the next problem occurred? Don’t know, but suddenly I’m going nowhere on the internet.  I’m getting a simple message that there are no internet connections available.  That’s happened before.   I turned of the power to the router and rebooted, twice I think.  My cell phone was connecting with wifi, my internet home phone was connecting with wifi, but my computer kept saying there was nothing to connect to.  Liar, liar, circuits on fire.

I spent the rest of yesterday looking for a wifi switch on my computer, looking for Windows 10 help on my cell phone, and having real angst about being so reliant on the elusive cyber world. During my search for Windows 10 connection problems I ran across a note from Microsoft that offered a return to my previous Windows 8.1, which at that point felt kind of like a lost child finally finding mother.  It didn’t occur to me that I would need the internet to bring my mother back.  I clicked.  The screen was black for hours.

I finally decided the computer had turned itself off and was not just working silently in the dark.  I powered up and Windows 8.1 magically loaded itself and all my familiar friends were there and in good health.  Thank you Windows 10 for the experience with smarter, faster and more secure… just sayin’.

A Dark and Rainy Day

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It’s one of those days when even though nothing specific is terribly wrong, everything in general seems terribly wrong and overwhelming.  Had one like that? It doesn’t help that our house, which has poor lighting and is usually dark inside, is even darker today with the cloud cover and rain outside.

Even as I try to get in touch with the joy I know is somewhere inside me, I can’t stop looking at the disorder, mess, and accumulation of things in my house that put me into a near catatonic state. Who would think that remodeling one small space in the house could affect the whole?  I wander from room to room looking for something that I can make a decision about.  Do I need it?  Can I part with it? Where will I put it if I keep it?  How do I get ride of it? Should I sell it or just put it out by the road to be picked up? How can an innocent jar of paper clips that I don’t need immobilize me? (Paper clips are good and these are the cute colored ones! I was given a donation of office items and I know someone needs them, but who?)

Please, please forgive me for cutting you down just when you had gotten beautiful.
Please, please forgive me for cutting you down just when you had gotten beautiful.

I went outside this morning thinking it would clear my mind and give me a better perspective.  I ended up pruning a beautiful bush that had finally gotten full size and was bearing beautiful yellow flowers.  Unfortunately it is planted right next to our AC unit and is a constant frustration to the men who service it.  A beautiful plant in the wrong place, along with countless others in the overgrown acre I call home.  That didn’t help my perspective much.

And even as the husband and I prayed over our day, I let him do most of the talking.  Today I am just not in touch with the part of my brain that houses joy.  It keeps me from being relational with God and with others.  I kind of shut down. I’m not proud of it.  I’m just tired and ruined and feeling my humanness, if that’s a word. My own superficial problems, the problems of those I love, the disease and fighting in the world, the homeless children, the anger, the injustice – I can’t keep up with it all.

Time is moving fast, and it really is a gift from God that things change.  I know I will feel different if I wait long enough, especially if I ask God for help in understanding where I fit in.  There is a reason, a purpose for my being here in this place, at this time.  Even as uncomfortable as it is to be revealing my gloomy self in a post, there is probably something behind the urge I felt to write this way. Even in this state of mind I know these things.

There is a God, there is a Jesus and nothing anyone says or thinks adequately explains them away.

There is real evidence that what I need to know about him is given to me in scripture.

Scripture tells me and my experience bears it out, that he is good and powerful and loves me.

I am safer with him, no matter what circumstances look like, than anywhere else.

And for now, on this dark, rainy day, I will keep those things in mind as I search for some meaningful activity to dispel the gloom.  My precious daughter in Seattle turns to housecleaning when she feels oppressed, so I will too and there’s no shortage of things to clean around here… just sayin’.

Love this creative reproduction…

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Pottery of a different sort...
Pottery of a different sort…

I’ve often wanted to work in clay, but the closest I’ve gotten to that is to collect interesting pieces of pottery.  This is one that I love from an artist I encountered at a bluegrass festival in north Georgia.  I put it on my table every fall.

Warning: I’m Thinking

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This post was prompted by a cartoon I saw on a T shirt. Three horses, wide eyed. The first one “What if that stick moved?!” The second one, “What if it didn’t move?!”   The third one, “Let’s spook!”  I am a bit spooky at times. 

A long time ago, back in Wisconsin when I was a young mother, I got a pastoral visit from my minister.  He listened patiently to my angst about hearing from God.  I didn’t have a handle on how an invisible God who says He is always with me could give me directions.  When all those people in the Bible heard voices telling them what to do (think “go to a mountain and sacrifice your son” type of message…) were they really hearing a spoken voice, or the voice in their head? And if it was that voice in their head, was it more than just a feeling or a conviction? How did they know it was God and not just themselves remembering a nightmare (think “go against this vast army with 100 of your best men” type of message…)? I had children to raise.  I needed to know.

This is what he told me.  “You think too much.”

Well, just like a person who thinks too much, I’ve been thinking about this for years.  It was a very observant assessment.

I read a story about a person who was about to board a flight with their family. As they were lining up to traverse the jetway they got the message to not go, from God.  They were Christians and evidently in very close communication with their heavenly Father so they didn’t board the plane.  The plane crashed and all on it were killed.  I think about this frequently, actually every time I get on a plane, and wonder if I would have the guts to waste a ticket that I’ve paid dearly for based on a gut feeling that I shouldn’t get on the plane.  How weird would that be?  Then I wonder if the fact that I’m thinking about it, is God telling me to do it.  Then I get on the plane and fly to where ever it is I’m going.

The good thing that I’ve learned about God is that he knows me better than I know myself.  I’ve seen the things he’s made and figured out so my confidence in his genius leadership has developed.  After all, if he’s taken on responsibility for all these people who sign up to be on his team, he must be one awesome, amazing leader.  Does he know I think too much?  Yes. Does he know how to get me to do something? Probably.  When I’m willing to follow orders will he leave me wondering? I don’t think so. If I’m not supposed to be on the plane, he will send someone to drag me off.  He made me. He knows me. He loves me even when I think too much.

I”m just sayin’, if he weren’t that awesome, he wouldn’t be God.

How to Feed Horses

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wpid-20150911_081915.jpgI often visit Dr. Julia in Jacksonville and have adventures as Vet Ma, helping with horse chores and riding truck with her as she does her rounds.  The area has had more rain this season than it has in 40 years according to the older generation. The pasture where she keeps her four horses is a sea of mud.

 !. Arrive at pasture.  Try not to get truck stuck in the mud.

2. Squeeze size 9.5 feet into daughter’s size 8 boots.

3. Wade to feed room. Fill two buckets with grain.

4. Wade to pasture.  Approach small herd of excited, rowdy horses eagerly waiting to be fed. Try not to be anxious.

5. Put halter on old lady horse so she can be fed by herself outside the pasture.  Try not to let her drag you through gate. Try to stay clean. Try not to be anxious.  Try to shut gate.

6. Don’t let old lady horse knock over pail and eat grain meant for other horses. Scoop up spilled grain. Grab her and get her to her own pail.

7. Catch other three horses who have gone through open gate while you were catching old lady horse. Try not to panic.  Try to keep them from eating grain meant for old horse.

8. Make a big deal about grain you still have left in pail. Wade out in pasture to feeding trough and hope horses follow.  Dump grain in trough, make lots of noise doing it.  Try to keep clean.  Try to remain calm.

9. Get out of way when horses stampede to feeding trough. Try to remain upright in mud.  Forget about clean.

10. Forget about feeding old lady horse by herself.  She’s eatiing. Take halter off.  Get back to gate, shut it.

11. Return pails to feed room. Remove muddy boots. Breathe sigh of relief.

Take off muddy boots
Take off muddy boots
Try not to get stuck
Try not to get stuck

Thank You for the Reminder

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Since leaving Seattle I have been bereft (nice word) of a much treasured pair of earrings.  Not to make this another “lost jewelry” story I am skipping right to the part this morning where I found them in a pocket as I was preparing clothes to go into the washer.  (And it’s another string of stories were I to tell of all the things I’ve washed before I started checking pockets consistently.)  As I was feeling a rush of gratitude and relief inwardly, a song that I had not sung for fifty years came to my mind and out of my mouth.  Not only the complicated melody with the harmonies in my head, but also all the words!

I was probably 15 or 16 and in the upper stages of 4-H in my rural community.  Every summer the state fair in Milwaukee hosted the state 4-H chorus and orchestra and had them perform in midway programs.  My friend and I decided to be brave and audition.  I don’t think either one of us had ever tried out for anything but we both took piano lessons and were in the high school chorus so it was worth a try.

I remember the audition.  We had to travel to a nearby town and wait our turn to go into the room with the chorus director.  He talked with me a bit and then had me read some music and match some pitches with my voice.  I don’t remember if I actually sang anything, but probably.  Then the long wait until a letter in the mail informed me that I’d been accepted into the alto section of the chorus.  I was stoked.

The time came a month or so later to make the trip to Milwaukee, a good six hours away, for the four day experience at the state fair.  The chorus was a large group, close to 100 I’m guessing, and they were all strangers to me – coming from all parts of the state of Wisconsin.  We were housed in a dorm of some kind, but my memory is dim on that aspect probably because we didn’t spend much time doing anything but singing.

The first two days were non-stop practice.  All the songs were unfamiliar, ambitious choral pieces.  We sang until we were worried we would have no voice left.  The words and melodies were burned into our minds until no printed music was needed and all our attention was on the director.  I fell in love with the power of being part of a responsive group and having such amazing music pulled out of us by a skilled leader.  I fell in love with the music itself and have since found those pieces and used them again.

As often happens, something small, and relatively insignificant triggered this memory and  brought the words to one of the songs back to me this morning.

“Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation and uphold me, uphold me with thy free Spiriit, thy free Spirit.  Then will I teach transgressors thy way, and sinners shall be converted unto thee.”

The words are from Psalm 51:12, 13.  Several songs from our program were from scripture references and there was nothing politically incorrect about doing that in those days.  I don’t know how it would go today.  We performed on two different days and enjoyed the state fair in between our times on stage.  It was an experience of great value for me.

I am not saying that the joy of finding lost jewelry compares to the joy of God’s eternal salvation.  But I think that anytime God allows us a joy of any proportion he likes it to remind us of what He has done, and is doing, and will do.  Just sayin’, I am reminded and grateful today.

These rascals were hiding again...
These rascals were hiding again…

These Thoughts Make Me Happy

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“Just after the climax of the trilogy The Lord of the Rings , Sam Gamgee discovers that his friend Gandalf was not dead (as he thought) but alive.  He cries, “I thought you were dead! But then, I thought I was dead myself! Is everything sad going to come untrue?”  The answer of Christianity to that question is – yes. Everything sad is going to come untrue and it will somehow be greater for having once been broken and lost.”

and…

“The Biblical view of things is resurrection – not a future that is just a consolation for the life we never had but a restoration of the life you always wanted.  This means that every horrible thing that ever happened will not only be undone and repaired but will in some way make the eventual glory and joy even greater.”  Both quotes above from Tim Keller in Reasons for God

and…

“They say of some temporal suffering, “No future bliss can make up for it,” not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory.”  C. S. Lewis

Other than blotting out our memories, this is the only way I can think of, that God could promise to wipe away all tears. That’s what restoration means.