It’s one of those days when even though nothing specific is terribly wrong, everything in general seems terribly wrong and overwhelming. Had one like that? It doesn’t help that our house, which has poor lighting and is usually dark inside, is even darker today with the cloud cover and rain outside.
Even as I try to get in touch with the joy I know is somewhere inside me, I can’t stop looking at the disorder, mess, and accumulation of things in my house that put me into a near catatonic state. Who would think that remodeling one small space in the house could affect the whole? I wander from room to room looking for something that I can make a decision about. Do I need it? Can I part with it? Where will I put it if I keep it? How do I get ride of it? Should I sell it or just put it out by the road to be picked up? How can an innocent jar of paper clips that I don’t need immobilize me? (Paper clips are good and these are the cute colored ones! I was given a donation of office items and I know someone needs them, but who?)
I went outside this morning thinking it would clear my mind and give me a better perspective. I ended up pruning a beautiful bush that had finally gotten full size and was bearing beautiful yellow flowers. Unfortunately it is planted right next to our AC unit and is a constant frustration to the men who service it. A beautiful plant in the wrong place, along with countless others in the overgrown acre I call home. That didn’t help my perspective much.
And even as the husband and I prayed over our day, I let him do most of the talking. Today I am just not in touch with the part of my brain that houses joy. It keeps me from being relational with God and with others. I kind of shut down. I’m not proud of it. I’m just tired and ruined and feeling my humanness, if that’s a word. My own superficial problems, the problems of those I love, the disease and fighting in the world, the homeless children, the anger, the injustice – I can’t keep up with it all.
Time is moving fast, and it really is a gift from God that things change. I know I will feel different if I wait long enough, especially if I ask God for help in understanding where I fit in. There is a reason, a purpose for my being here in this place, at this time. Even as uncomfortable as it is to be revealing my gloomy self in a post, there is probably something behind the urge I felt to write this way. Even in this state of mind I know these things.
There is a God, there is a Jesus and nothing anyone says or thinks adequately explains them away.
There is real evidence that what I need to know about him is given to me in scripture.
Scripture tells me and my experience bears it out, that he is good and powerful and loves me.
I am safer with him, no matter what circumstances look like, than anywhere else.
And for now, on this dark, rainy day, I will keep those things in mind as I search for some meaningful activity to dispel the gloom. My precious daughter in Seattle turns to housecleaning when she feels oppressed, so I will too and there’s no shortage of things to clean around here… just sayin’.