Birthday Torture

It’s not bad enough that I ache for days any time I use my muscles, not bad enough that my hair is way gray and my eyebrows are turning that non-color too, not bad enough that I keep thinking about another birthday on the near horizon… all this is not bad enough, someone had to leak it to the world of commerce. Now, every day I get a new catalog full of old people fashions, wrinkle creams and medical breakthrough pills to keep me from looking old.  Who did this?

I will admit that I prefer shirts that don’t shrink to above my (unpierced) belly button.  I don’t like plunging necklines and see-through holes all over. I don’t want to worry about butt cracks showing or jeans so tight I can’t bend over. I’ve been avoiding these things since I was thirty and don’t consider them age characteristics. Just don’t send me those catalogs, okay Boston Proper? 

The one last week that was like an arrow right in the heart was a catalog called “As We Change”. It made me mad because it had so many things in it that had me thinking “hmmm… been looking for something like that”.  How many times have I been out to the beach by myself and wished for a gadget to put sunscreen on that spot in the middle of my back? And those glasses with swivel lenses so you can put on eye makeup and see where you’re putting it – genius. But, in general the catalog is full of things to hide what is really happening to bodies over sixty. The clothing is a pretty clear give away cause if you wear those things people are going to know you are old.

And today I got a 40 page brochure called “Have you tried my Skin Secret, Shirley Dietz?” Forty pages that said basically one thing – buy this cream so you won’t have wrinkles on your face. And I don’t remember how many times I read the words “free sample” to find out that it’s only free if you don’t like it and return it. Otherwise you pay four installments of $7.99.  So not only do people over sixty look old and wrinkled but they also get suddenly dumb.

I save some of these mailings because, crumpled, they make good fire starters when I’m having burning fun in the backyard. Maybe someday I’ll buy myself a birthday present from one of them but this year I’ve decided I will go kayaking again. It might hurt a little after but I’ll take the chance. Arlette wants to go with me and I’ll have her sit in the front where she won’t see if I’m paddling, or not.

One thought on “Birthday Torture

  1. You are timeless, Shirley Dietz…..I never knew you when you were really, really, really young……you are wonderful you, no matter your age and I proclaim that it shall always be so.

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