I typed that and realized immediately that it wasn’t true. I am quite sick today but in spite of it, there is fun to be had in resting, reading, doing quiet things that never get done while I’m able to work. I’m having fun being sick, who would have thought…
Before anyone gets envious let me say that it’s difficult to concentrate when my head hurts, throat hurts, chest rattles with every breath and the aches and pains of fever make me feel weak. This feels more like pneumonia than anything I’ve ever had before and it came on very fast. Most likely I will recover but just in case, I want to say that it is very freeing to realize that things go on without me. I know some people feel like they cannot take a day off when they are sick, or for any other reason, because they are indispensable. Well, nobody is indispensable. I’m glad I’m not. I stayed home from everything today and plan the same for tomorrow. Nobody wants to be exposed to what I’ve got. Staying home when one is sick is a way to show love to others.
In between naps I’m getting some reading done, catching up on my blog reader, cleaning out my inbox, and thinking. How glad I am that I am here in my own bedroom rather than in Cambodia like I was last year when I got sick. How strange that it has happened two years in a row after many years of not being ill. Hmm…
I’m especially thinking how God uses sickness in my life to remind me that I am not in control, to increase my compassion for others, to get me quiet and listening, I’m not afraid of being sick, whether it leads to recovery or not. I love being here on earth, but I would also love not being here. Thinking about dying is not a fearful thing, and I thank God for that. As I get older my most common thought about dying is wondering how it will happen. Accident? Cancer? Pneumonia? I have preferences but they are between me and God, and I doubt I’ll get to choose. I think it’s very wise of him not to let me know ahead of time.
This is kind of a stupid post and I’m not terribly proud of it, but having this much time on my hands I had to write something, and these truly are the things I think about while being sick.. Just sayin’…
I have to confess that my earliest thoughts each morning are not cheery. It’s not that I don’t sleep well, but more that I don’t wake up well. Aching shoulders, a pounding headache, feeling too warm and so uncomfortable that I have no recourse except to get up and look for distraction. I’m hoping it’s a reasonable time to start the day. It’s 5:30 am.
This is the way it is most days, but not every day. I find my distraction in the search for my glasses, the first cup of coffee, the mental chore of figuring out what day it is and remembering what I have to do. I used to have to be out the door by 6:30 but made the change to a kinder schedule. Now I seldom have to be anywhere before 8 and I am thankful for peaceful mornings. I can watch the light of day as it grows over the oneacrewoods and hope that a few moments of peace will result in a more comfortable me. It usually does. (Today I also took an Excedrin, that helped too.)
I realize that there are things that give me direction and energy. I love thinking about the work of the day – the things I feel God has given me to attend to – and as I lay it out I examine each thing to see if I can figure out why. It takes a lot of frustration out of my day to believe that this list comes from my “real boss” and he has the knowledge to add to or subtract from the list without explaining his reasons to me. It’s interesting that the older I get and the more experience I have with his direction, the easier it is for me to see those reasons being worked out. When there is a sudden change of plan, even something that looks like an inconvenience (think traffic jam, troublesome phone call, toilet overflow, etc…) I get a little excited and start looking for the opportunity in it. If I was the one in charge, those things would be purposeless, aggravating, and discouraging. But with my adventurous, all-knowing manager, everything has significance and can be part of something awesome. I love being part of his team.
I do the things I know I should do. I get dressed and try not to look scary. I eat breakfast. I pack my bag and get out the door with words of encouragement running through my mind, “trust me, and don’t insist on having to understand. No matter what happens, remember me and I will direct you through it.” (Proverbs 3:5, 6) And one of my most positive morning thoughts is that even though I am getting older, slower, weaker, less able in many ways, none of those things are going to get me fired or laid off from my real job. Job security. Once again, I’m just sayin’…
Today I made a list, which I almost never do anymore. There were some important things that I didn’t want to forget. I am never sure of my lists – are these the most important things? what am I forgetting? can I possibly do it all? But I did make the list and then prayed that if it mattered at all, I would be directed what to do.
And then I did other things, none of them on the list. I guess it didn’t matter?
But it was ok. I had made the decision someone else’s.
Today I helped my employer, somewhat longer than I had planned, but she needed it.
Today I returned a phone call and as a result, someone who needs a place to live, might have exactly what they wanted.
Today I fed someone who couldn’t feed herself. The food looked disgusting (pureed) but she ate it. She had no response except to swallow and look at me once or twice. I felt overwhelmed with compassion.
Today I called the above person’s husband and told him that his beloved wife with Alzheimers was clean, fed and safe for one more day.
Today I came alongside someone who was helping someone else and hopefully answered some of his questions and encouraged him. We made copies of his friend’s last will and testament. We went to a restaurant and I had a strawberry shake while I watched him eat his burger and fries.
Today I let my cat sit undisturbed on my lap for half an hour. It was the only time I was stationary at home and it did me good too.
None of these things were on my list, but they were on God’s list and ultimately I was very satisfied. I’m making a list again for tomorrow but I’m not going to worry about it. The God I believe in is also making a list which is far better than mine. Hopefully as I trust him, my list will match his more and more. That is really all he asks of me.
What? Who did this? To those of you reading who are not also bloggers, I will explain. One of the latest updates to WordPress, my blog host, includes a cute little “beep, beep, boop” message wiggling around in the center of a blank screen for a few seconds after certain commands are instituted. It’s a thing to look at while you’re waiting. Evidently someone thought that us bloggers would lose interest and wander off if we didn’t have something new to look at for three seconds while our post is being published. I’d like to meet the originator of this idea and try to figure them out. I’m always amazed at the things people will think to do. Actually, sometimes I’m also amazed at the things people don’t think to do – the old rule, never say never, applies equally to never say always. Both good things to remember.
This last week, every time I sat down at the computer I lost interest and wandered off. One day I didn’t even turn the thing on. But that’s ok. A week of inactivity online doesn’t bother me much and gives me the opportunity to write about what I have been into while I haven’t been writing.
– Equate extra strength Headache Relief, for the headache that doesn’t seem to want to quit. Although I’m probably not doing my stomach any favors, I’m grateful for the four or five hours of relief and super wakefulness that I get from swallowing a couple pills.
Hello headache, my old friend…
– Intraocular injections (shot in the eyeball), for the eye problem that was dramatically improved, in the doctor’s own words. I’m grateful that it’s working and that I don’t have to get another one for five weeks, although I am getting used to everything about them (except the cost…)
the back of my eye
– Childcare, for several of my yòoung friends who I realize I’ve been missing. How come you guys can grow up in what seems like no time at all? Gracie, Lydia, Josh, Zeke, Shiloh – grateful for time spent with you that makes me feel younger even while I marvel at you getting older. I’m troubled by the fact that I’ve never played X-box. Is that weird?
Childcare for her, adult care for me…
– Old letters and old files, for the urge to purge and to organize. Lots of stuff has been burned or shredded, but lots else has been rediscovered and readied for the next project, memoir writing. I’ve always been alarmed by my lack of memory for details of the past. Not only did I forget all those details, but I forgot that I’d written them down in letters to others. This morning, reading letters written to my mother ten years ago, all I could think was “Really, I did that?” and “Did some other person’s life sneak into my letters?” Grateful for the written record of the past.
I’m more prolific than I remembered.
– Appliance shopping, because the washer and dryer that have wanted to leave my house for years, finally broke free. Grateful that within hours of starting to shop for replacements I came across a used set that is probableyten years younger. After only one session with the furniture dolly, the truck, the hoses, wrenches and plumbing tape, they are installed in my laundry room and functioning almost correctly. The printed message under the temp dial that says “all rinses are cold only” really means they are scalding hot only. I think I know how we can fix that.
the Laundry twins, Hi and Dri
– Air travel websites, for the supposed improvement of doing it yourself. Instead of calling a knowledgeable person and telling them when and where I want to travel I can now spend hours online hunting for the best connection at the best price. And American Express Delta Frequent Flyer card, how dare you revoke the companion ticket feature without telling me. Planning my revenge…
Did. Not. Happen.
– the garden that was, the heat that is, that yard that will be. Grateful for the healing work that takes place in me when I’m outdoors. Grateful for green things, if they’re plants – not, if they’re worms.
Good greenBad green
– Face time, with friends and family who care. I am realizing that the purpose and value of life is all in the relationships I find and nurture. Realizing also that God is that friend and that family member who makes it all possible. Having less work away from home has given me more time to nurture the relationship with him and I am so grateful for that. Gives me some precious times of discovery, comfort, peace and excitement. Arlette and I took a lovely walk yesterday and talked of all these things.
Nature walk with my friends Arlette and God.
My friend Arlette (and maybe God too, on her left)
It’s Monday morning. I’m dressed and sitting at my desk thinking about the day ahead. Last week I repotted a houseplant and brought it to live on my desk in front of the glass doors where it would get a lot of southern exposure. I noticed a large drop of water at the tip of a leaf. And then I saw that every leaf that was turned in the same orientation had a large crystal clear drop of water – the whole plant was decorated at the tips of these leaves only. The rest of the plant was dry. Such a beautiful thing… just sayin’.
I didn’t feel very good yesterday, not awful, just not good. In fact the last three days have been full of supposedly easy things being hard, supposedly reliable equipment being unreliable, and a mostly tolerable body feeling less tolerable than usual. And the stress and pain culminated in a headache last night that was singularly awesome. Well, actually I can think of three times when I had pain approaching that level and each time one aspect of it was that it seemed it would never end.
This morning, on the other side of the worst of it, some words of a song came to mind – “and time shall be no more.” Frankly, today I am so thankful for the passage of time that I can hardly imagine being without it. When no change of position would bring relief, when nausea nearly became overwhelming, one of my only comforting thoughts was that time would pass and so would this pain.
This is not the first time I’ve thought about time (probably not the first time I’ve blogged about it either, but I forget). The husband says I’m going off into an “alternate universe” direction when I try to imagine a timeless world. And I wonder if that’s a bad thing or a good thing. It is hard to think about seeing things that exist not sequentially as they seem to happen to us but all at once, outside of time. To me it seems like this possibility could explain some of the mystery of God. But I don’t pretend to understand – it’s just a feeling that it could be connected.
Right now, I’m thankful for cyclical things, mornings and evenings, seasons, first and last, alpha and omega, even life and death. I know that this universe with time written all over it seems to have been made for me. I’m okay with that.
Today is a thanksgiving holiday for me. I’m just taking a day off after two weeks and several thousand miles of travel to be thankful for making it there and back once again. I have “that thought” every time I leave home that I might not be back again, ever. I’m not upset or overly morbid about it – it’s more a realization that there is no promise of longevity or a trouble free life given to anyone. Stuff happens, no matter how careful you are.Read More »
I like to plan. Really, why not? The future is like this blank canvas on which something will be painted, or the blank sheet of paper on which something will be written. Why not choose what I’d like to see there and then have something to work toward? And I like plans that are a […]
Poetry is so mysterious. I love the collection of quotes about poetry on Addie Zierman’s post today, especially one by Dave Harrrity: “They aren’t silver bullets, tweetable platitudes, divine deliveries, or didactic directives that help you “be a better person.” If a poem made your world easier, simpler, or more livable, then it’s almost certain that you haven’t read a poem.”
I Just Have to Say... 