Today in church was awkward. Not that it hasn’t been before. I often am hit with this feeling of being an invisible sponge-like being, hoping to pick up on whatever God has for me, whatever I have asked him for. I have friends there, good friends actually, but I’m gone frequently and nobody really knows if/where I belong in the faith community.
I appreciate being able to sing, to listen, to enjoy church in a way that leaves me free of feeling critical, disappointed and upset. I go to a good church. But, wow, when I feel awkward it’s difficult. I question my presence there. I feel alone. Isolated. It’s so easy to sing the last song, pick up my stuff, and be gone. No one stops me.
God stops me. I can’t get past the part where “the church” is a major player in the story. SHE’S THE BRIDE AT THE WEDDING (excuse the all caps). I must not only try to identify with her, I must try to be her. I have a clear picture of what that “church” means – it’s not a denomination, a particular group, a specific behavior or costume. But it’s real. I find evidence of it across the board, in different cultures, in unlikely places, at odd times, the invisible church is there. identified by mutual love of Jesus (THE GROOM, excuse the all caps).
Anyway, today being one of the awkward days, I sat in it. I know the devil (who wants to be a major player but doesn’t get to) would have me feel estranged in that environment and to wallow in the feeling and draw conclusions from it. Feeling awkward is not fatal. It can happen to me and I survive. I can fight back and seek out someone else who looks awkward and persist in conversation with them until we’ve both felt included in something bigger than ourselves. We’ve made small steps toward community.
I give the “feeling” of discomfort up to God, who reminds me that feelings are fickle. Next week I might feel incredibly part of it all, connected to everyone. Church is complicated. Church is necessary. Church is part of a bigger plan and I don’t always “get it”. But I will sit here, learning, until I do. But today was awkward, just sayin’…
I Just Have to Say... 
Belonging is the Key – – Is it to God only or Is it the institutional church? Do you know that the traditions of men makes the power of God stop from happening in and around us today. Seek the Lord Only and Fellowship (yoke together) with like Mindedness in Christ. Pray Believing for A Changing! (I have been there, I do understand — remember the movie “Matrix,” I decided to take the red pill and follow the GREAT SHEPHERD, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit.)
Yes, Jesus knows his followers (called sheep for a reason) and he knows where we are. Man’s institutions don’t substitute for his true flock, but that is not to discount the power he gives to believers who come together rather than sit somewhere by themselves. Thanks for your thoughtful comment.
If your feel awkwardness or confliction it can actually be a good thing. It allows you to think more on what it is God wants you to know/do. Sometimes if someone resonates with us, it is because we need to pray and meditate on the situation and let God guide us as to what it is he wants to tell us/show us.
I’ve had those awkward moments myself.
I like the caps by the way. It adds emphasis and character. 🙂
The all caps – exactly
Shirley,, Please go read the poem, ”Perfect Mother” and you will ”’get it” JCB
Hmm, not exactly the”it” I was talking about, but thanks.