Sometimes I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I wonder if the reason my life is filled with routine, sometimes mundane activity is because I’m not a good enough tool. Maybe I wasn’t listening when instructions were being given. Maybe I was playing spider solitaire or watching tv? Maybe I was over invested in my to do list for the day, or riding my bike to allay my worries about hypertension. Maybe I just didn’t want to sit and write about something I had learned or felt – something that might have brought hope to someone desperate for a word.
Okay, I’ve come to recognize this train of thought. Left unaddressed, it gathers force and eventually has me sort of despising myself for not being something greater than I am. I could wallow in it, but don’t have time. I could go talk to a counselor, but don’t have that kind of money. I could talk to God…, yeah, I actually do that. Today it went like this.
“Help me. This angst and unrest is insanely uncomfortable. I know you wanted me to solve the world’s problems, lol, instead I’m not even solving my own. Should I be able to do something more than this?”
It occurred to me in the middle of this that God is probably able to put me where he wants me. Indications are that he likes it when I give him credit for that. So I started thinking that way, and it felt right, good. Felt true. I also read from him – it’s something he told someone else, but it’s a principle that shows how he does things.
It also records the response he got which was not so great.
Whoa! Could I be doing that? I’m told to be quiet and trust and instead I’m having none of it and looking for some action? I’m going to worry about it and figure out what to do? It’s pretty ridiculous, but it happens when I forget who God is and who I am and how different we are.
I thought about this, off and on today, and my conclusion is that I want all the quietness and rest God wants to give me. Bring it on. I want to be alert and ready, but content, storing up that strength I’ll probably need later. This is one of many answers to personal cries for help, from God’s word to my intellect, resulting in a kind of peace.
What does this mean in a world that doesn’t believe in a personal, relational spiritual Creator who works with people for their betterment? God could easily say to this culture “but you would have none of it”. We fit the picture, just sayin’…