Tag: grace

Helping and Being Helped: the Equation

Shirleyjdietz2 Comments

I do not know if helpee is a word, but its meaning is pretty clear when I combine it with helper, right? These two positions are inseparable, and sometime in life, most of us will get a chance to experience both of them.

Recently, an elderly neighbor who had lost her husband, and her beloved dog decided that she had to have another dog to keep her company. She found a retriever mix in a shelter and brought it home. The trouble started when she found it was difficult to walk the dog. She was having trouble with her back and it was easy for all of us neighbors to see it when we watched her walk. I love to walk, so I offered to walk the dog for her.

My friend Shasta was always happy to accept a walk.

She accepted help, because she had to, for the dog’s sake. But, because it made her feel like she owed me something, she was always rewarding me with money, gift cards, pie, when a simple “thank you” would have done. She was not going to be beholden. Her independent spirit would not allow it. She had not yet learned to be a gracious helpee.

One day she fell and had to call 911. Even though she spent a couple days in the hospital, the doctors couldn’t identify what was wrong and she was sent home to wait for test results. She fell again. This time she didn’t want to return to the hospital, so she didn’t call 911. She stayed on the floor for quite a long time until she was able to reach a family member. She ended up going to the hospital anyway. She will now have to go through a couple months in a rehab facility to regain the ability to walk.

I admire an independent spirit. I am all for people taking care of themselves and their own business for as long as possible. But I wrestled with my neighbor’s attitude toward receiving help when she really needed it, when it was offered with no strings attached.

I came one morning to walk the dog and she told me she had not slept well at all the previous night. Her bedroom smoke alarm started beeping because of low battery and drove her nearly crazy. I offered to do that quick and easy chore for her. No, she said. She didn’t have any new batteries. I told her I had a lot of batteries and would be right back with one. No, she said. She would have her grandson attend to it that evening. By this point in our relationship I was used to being a little aggressive, so I told her it would drive me crazy if I had to listen to that noise all day – I was going to change it for her. No, she said. She was going to stay in the living room, with the TV on, so she wouldn’t hear it. Her grandson would fix it later. No, no, no. Don’t help me.

Sometimes, the idea that we are bothering someone, or that we will owe them something keeps us from accepting reasonable help. In the end we can cause more trouble and frustration for those who want to help. It caused a lot of trouble for my friend’s family, who had to respond to her second emergency at an unexpected time.

My new theory is that we are all here to learn two things during our lifetime. The first is that we should care about others, learn to serve graciously, and love one another. The second is that we are all going to find ourselves helpless, at the end of our rope, not in charge, and in need. We will need to graciously admit that fact. Do you see it? Helpers and helpees… If helpers have no one to help, they can’t learn the first lesson. If helpees have no one caring for them, they don’t learn the second lesson.

Gracious acceptance of help is a hard lesson, one I am not eager to learn. But, I have given it a lot of thought lately, and because of this experience, my attitude toward being helped is changing. I want to be gracious, when the time comes.

Which of these lessons is hardest for you? Have you had to accept help? How did it make you feel? What roles do pride and humility have in this equation?

Being “Right” Comes Full Circle.

Shirleyjdietz2 Comments

(It has been suggested by the husband that I write this to his daughters.)

We were reading a thoughtful paragraph on humility this morning, referencing people who are always right about anything and everything. Dennis laughed and said something that our youngest daughter had said to him once. “I am right, because I am a Dietz!” It was said tongue in cheek and they laughed at it at the time too. Then he got quiet and continued, “I love our daughters so much. I hope they know that.”

It was a special moment and we continued talking about the meaning of that conversation and why the memory of it sparked such gratitude and love inside his “dad heart”.

During the years our daughters were growing up at home there were so many good times for us as parents and for them as children. There were also times, not so good, when they felt distanced from their parents. The role of provider was always of high concern for Dennis, and required a lot of his attention. Maybe small people (children), having limited experiences, were not as interesting as other friends and business associates. He never intentionally conveyed this to them, but it was conveyed nonetheless.

In addition it was natural to assume that children’s opinions, reasons, and thought processes were still to be directed and molded, not listened to and considered. This attitude also was never intentionally spoken, nor was it applied 100% of the time, but over the years it was felt, sometimes acutely. Although Dad provided well and loved them, he didn’t know them personally and was often clueless as to what they were feeling. Perhaps they heard more of “don’t leave toothpaste in the sink” and “your lights were left on – go turn them off” than the things daughters need to hear from their dads.

So what does it mean when a daughter can tease, laugh and point out some hurtful flaw when talking to her dad? What did it mean that she could remind him of that “always right” attitude in a gentle conversation (well, I don’t actually know how gentle it was or what it was about because I wasn’t there…)? To him, it meant forgiveness. It meant that she wasn’t afraid to remind him of that proclivity of his. It was acknowledgement and grace extended. And it was love.

The husband has mellowed so much in the last few years. Retirement has put the distraction of being a provider behind him. He fully realizes those things he has missed by not being more aware, more curious, more persistent about knowing his children. He has also been diagnosed with a heartbreaking condition. But it has turned into a blessing. It’s almost as if his heart had to be broken in order for him to know what was in it. It’s amazing to think about.

Although he is disabled, he has traveled long distances to see each of his two daughters get married, during pandemic times. He would not have missed these opportunities for the world. “Being right” has come full circle and is now much more like “Being in love.”

It provides hope for us all. We can grow, learn, change. The whole story doesn’t have to be pretty for the outcome to be good. God be praised for his transforming power, his gentleness and his wisdom, and his mysterious ways.

The Next Steps

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Yesterday was a different kind of exercise day. None of my steps were expressly for the purpose of getting exercise. They were all “on the job”, and included upper body and balance work.

I didn’t get an exact count but I carried 30 plus boxes of various sizes and weights down 15 steep stairs, through the house and garage and deposited them in a trailer. Stairs can be tricky, and these did not have a very wide tread and I tried a couple different methods, depending on the size of the box and whether I could see over it. I really didn’t mind the work, knowing that I was working on two different goals at the same time.

Six out of the last seven, yay me!

Yesterday wasn’t a 10,000 step day, it was 5,000, but that is fine. The thing that I love about being the age that I am, is that I can be flexible, and I can give myself grace when I don’t meet my own benchmarks. Today, December 12th, I am back on track with 10,000. Overall this month, I’ve exercised some every day, and made my goal for six days. There were a few days at the beginning before I started using the phone app to track progress, so it might have been more than six days. I am good with that.

As the month wears on I’m becoming more aware of exercise as just one part of life. It’s important and it takes effort to plan it into my schedule. Some days are full of appointments, responsibilities, and the demands of living a balanced life. There are other activities necessary to a happy life that get postponed when I’m on an exercise kick. Early in the day, I have to think about where to fit in that walk. Because it’s dark so much of the time, that walk might have to be on the treadmill at some weary time of night. Adopting this level of activity as a permanent lifestyle is going to be a challenge. It will probably be altered from time to time – thus my philosophy about giving grace. I like being kind, to myself as well as others.

Even this moving stream ices over on the edges.

I walked early this morning around the wetlands and it was cold. Most of the wetland trail is on open land around the edges of an extensive marsh. There aren’t many windbreaks and today the breeze was from the north, off an iceberg up there somewhere. I was warm enough under my coat but it wasn’t a long coat and my upper legs got tingly and then numb. I kept my hat pulled down and my collar pulled up and didn’t lift my head to look around very often. All of that and the steady cadence of walking does something to fire up my creative neurons (all half dozen of them). I get all kinds of ideas to be excited about. Walking does that and it is one of the best reasons to walk.