Tag: caregiving

A to Z Challenge: Letter A for Acceptance

Shirleyjdietz10 Comments

Ever since “sheltering in place” and “social distancing” became the norm, writing has become difficult, more like work I can’t concentrate on. I’ve been worried that this year’s A to Z challenge would be hard, maybe unsuccessful, and probably not fun. Rather than give up, I will possibly write things that are a bit strange, just to make the 26 days easier, and maybe more fun. Fun is good and worth pursuing.

Way back in the dark ages I got married and left behind a good life and a good friend, my mom. We’ve remained close, but I’ve always told myself that I wanted more time, daily time, to renew that relationship and do life together again. When my dad died a few years ago and mom was alone, I started to think that it might be time. She was starting to want help in small ways, and I knew I wanted to be there, to give whatever care was needed in the future.

Mom and I

Meanwhile my husband, who thought he would work at his desk until the day he died, started not enjoying work as much as before. He struggled with some physical problems. He lacked energy and motivation. Retirement started looking good to him.

It took a long year of planning and hard work but in July of 2018, the retirement happened, our house in Florida was emptied and ready to sell, and we moved to Wisconsin to be near mom. A couple months later my husband was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia, which changed our lives significantly. I was suddenly thankful to be in a simpler living situation, near a supportive family group. Caregiving life had started.

The husband and I

Accepting caregiving as part of my life, something I chose to do, not a lifestyle forced on me, was key in helping me to be a satisfied, basically happy caregiver. Maybe it wasn’t as hard for me as for some because I had already been a parent (the ultimate caregiving opportunity) and chosen nursing for a good part of my working life.

Nevertheless, one of the most confusing things about caregiving has been the temptation to feel like my life has been “taken over” by the needs of someone else. I’m working at a job that, at times, feels like I have no choice. I’m trapped and have to do it. If I rebel, guilt can start to dictate to me. Nagging voices try to tell me what I “should be doing” if I’m a good mother/wife/daughter/family member. My thinking gets filled with those limiting words; trapped, forced, should do, have to, guilt.

But the truth is that I have a choice of how to respond to people in need. I could choose not to be a caregiver. There are options these days and not everyone is able to offer the same kind of caring. What I do know is that if I feel like a martyr, I won’t be as effective in the care I give and I also won’t be fun to be around. It can get toxic.

I believe there is a realistic way to look at the limitations of caregiving. Being married has limitations when compared to being single. Having children has limitations when compared to not having children. Some jobs are limiting when compared to other jobs. So it is with caregiving. There are days when I am tempted to think of fun things I could be doing, other than taking care of someone else. But, thinking about all those other options will probably rob me of opportunity to find value and fun in what I’ve chosen to do.

Caregiving, as a choice, has it’s hard times just like any other path, but IT IS MY LIFE. I’m accepting my choice. Instead of holding others responsible for my happiness, I’m going to use that energy to make this life as good as it can be. Acceptance makes that so much easier.

Am I alone here? When have you found yourself in a time consuming caregiving role? What limits were especially hard for you to accept? Can you tell me about it? Would you have moved NORTH for retirement?!

Giving Care

Shirleyjdietz3 Comments

This week I have not called my mom.  I have not called my daughters. I have not done any writing. I have not done the laundry or cleaned the house. I have hardly been at home.  I started a new caregiver assignment that turned out to be quite challenging.

Even young people can have a hard time when they are weak and sick, but being that way when you are elderly is worse.  It is a pit of helplessness.  My friend Jack is in that pit.  I don’t know if I can help him climb out but I know I can’t just leave him there either.

After spending seven months either in the hospital having surgery, or fighting infections, or getting his diabetes regulated, or in rehab trying to get his strength back – he is finally at home.  He was giddy with excitement when they brought him out to evaluate his home for safety.  It wasn’t that any of the institutions were bad places.  He had just had enough of the routines, of professional friends, of hospital furniture, of TV on the ceiling.  He dreamed of the peace and quiet of home.

In spite of having a nurse manager, an occupational therapist, a physical therapist, a home health aide and me, medical “girl Friday”, this week at home has made Jack realize that he had some very high expectations.  Meals don’t appear magically at home.  Messes don’t clean up by themselves.  There are no helping hands at home every time you feel a little dizzy or off balance.  Home can be a scary place when you are alone, when you fall and can’t get up, when your blood sugar is so low you can’t think straight or have the strength to get out of bed. Help comes and goes, but has often gone when you need it most.

Every day during my time with Jack, we would work on some of the problems he was having, we would have a meal together and then he would nap, pretty much worn out.  My five hour stretches were the longest periods of time that anyone was able to be with him.  Every time I left, I felt a bit guilty, almost afraid of what I’d find when I returned.  I got the impression that he was anxious too, wondering how he would get by.

So, I’ve gotten a chance to watch Jack suffer, mentally and physically.  He has had to give up every shred of dignity as we women do things for him that he would much rather do for himself. But I have yet to hear a word of complaint, or even of anger really,  Somewhere along his life path, Jack has learned to suffer well.  As I watch, I think how valuable an example that is.  We all will suffer something, sometime, and have to decide how to view that suffering, how to act when we are in the middle of it.  Can we learn and grow from it or is it a waste of time?

I found  a caregiver who will stay the night with Jack, starting tonight.  As he was meeting her he seemed more hopeful, stronger, more able to talk.  Maybe he will work through this hard time and gain his independence once again.  At the very least, I think he will get a good night’s rest.  I will also rest better tonight.

Have you learned something valuable from a time of suffering in your life? or from watching someone else suffer well?