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Back to RiverBend

Shirleyjdietz2 Comments

I finished the trip to North Carolina yesterday. The second half of the trip is always the prettiest, and challenging in a completely different way than going through the flat midwest. Coming down off high ground on I-64 is a little like a scary carnival ride. The traffic always seems to be almost bumper to bumper, around serpentine curves and at 60 – 70 miles per hour. Also, like the roller coasters, it’s expensive, with a $5 toll booth every few miles. Focusing that hard on driving gets me all tensed up, and I’m aware of all the beautiful views I’m missing.

The end of the second day of driving is the city of Greensboro itself, and I usually hit it at rush hour. That’s not relaxing either, unless you count the time sitting in a long line and measuring your progress in feet instead of miles. 

I was tired that night but it always takes me a couple of hours to position my things in new surroundings. I didn’t lie down to sleep until nearly midnight. My room is in the basement, and so is the room where the two outside dogs sleep. Penny, the loud lab who eats rocks, has been wearing a bark collar lately and it has been quite effective. But tonight the battery was weak and she started barking around 4 am. I have a soft heart toward anything that needs to pee and can’t, so I got up and let both dogs out. That required a trip outside in the fresh night air which left me wide awake and unable to fall asleep again. My fitbit said I got 3.5 hours of sleep. It said it was a fair night. I’m not sure I agree. 

I was glad that I arrived at River View Farm with a nearly full tank of gas. I’ll have to remember to do that whenever I come. I never know how quickly I’ll be doing some errand for the family, like early this morning.  I got to play taxi for Tessa, Julie’s elderly dog with a swollen back leg. Kevin loaded her up in my car and I drove her to south Greensboro to the emergency vet clinic. 

Tessa is used to sitting in the front passenger seat, but I thought that would be a little too distracting for me. I put her in the back with plenty of room instead. She didn’t like it. I could tell she was thinking of leaping over the seats to the front of the vehicle. Then she started barking, which always makes it seem like some next step is imminent. Looking back at Tessa, while looking forward at traffic, while watching my GPS for directions made the trip exciting. I guess I’m glad I can still do exciting. To her credit, she was much better on the way home.

What a nice, sunny day it was. In the afternoon, during Gwennie’s nap time, I decided to go outside for a walk, and maybe a drive to town. I went to the car to put my purse (with my key fob) in it while taking my walk, but remembered that shutting the door with the key inside causes the horn to alert. I didn’t want to wake the baby, so I decided to put my purse in Julie’s truck, which was parked beside my car. I opened the truck door and for some reason, which no one can figure out, the truck alarm started up. It honked for four or five minutes before I got inside, found the truck key and shut it off. Needless to say, the baby woke up.

I took my walk anyway. One change the last couple of visits is that I am no longer Gwennie’s main resource when I am here. Her regular nanny is still on the job, which leaves me free to help in other ways, or to actually rest. I still get to watch the cuteness but am not responsible for the “terrible two” times. Because I drove down this trip, I brought the small bike that I bought for her this summer when she visited me. She is very excited and possessive about her “Bluey Bike” and helmet. She hasn’t gotten the idea of how to pedal it yet, but wears the helmet and sits on the bike numerous times during the day. 

There you have it – some of the highlights of Day 1 at Riverbend Farm. 

Writing A Book

Shirleyjdietz4 Comments

Supposedly, 80% of people say that they would like to write a book. Only a much smaller percentage actually do write one.  I have never been sure that I would be in that small number of people called authors. But I know I’ve been in the 80% of writers who dream.  I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately.

A few weeks ago, Mom asked me if I was writing on my blog. She hadn’t seen anything for a while. No, I told her. Journal entries have been sparse.  Both of my blogs have rarely been attended to, and readership has dropped off.  I’m not proud of that.  My life since Dennis has been a whole new experience, and I haven’t decided how to write about it.

But I have decided what my first book will be about. It will be about our experience with Lewy Body Dementia. My husband Dennis and I walked that difficult road for five years. I want to have the historical record for family and friends. Dennis has a granddaughter who will never get to meet him, and will someday wonder who he was.  For both Dennis and I, that time period was intense and rich in many ways. I want to preserve my own memories of it.

I haven’t felt much like writing anything at all since Dennis died. That’s why using my journal entries and blog posts during that time was an easy choice. Most of the writing was already done. I put money down with a publisher and have been working toward a finished book for several months now.  It’s a frustrating, time consuming project in many ways but also an interesting process. It has given me new stories to tell. 

One of the tasks of making a book is to choose a cover. Today, I am asking for help with that.  Designers have already submitted cover designs and I have chosen a few. This week a poll is being taken to see which cover has the most appeal.  You can help by following the link at the end of this post and voting. Based on the cover, which book would you be most likely to buy and read? I thank you in advance for your input.

And in case you are also part of the 80% that want to write a book someday, I will be telling some of those stories about publishing for you.  And check in next week for the results of the poll.  By the way, winter is a good time to stay indoors and write… just sayin’.

Here’s the link to the poll:

https://99designs.com/book-cover-design/contests/memoir-book-cover-face-off-dementia-guaranteed-winner-1311394/poll/26a933f397/vote?utm_source=voting_app&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=voting

I Remember Him

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I have a bookmark in my Bible that has this picture and beginning sentence:

“Dennis Richard Dietz, born December 26, 1945…”

It goes on to describe some of what he meant to me and the rest of his family. I look at the bookmark almost daily, and remember more about him and our life together every time. A person’s whole life cannot fit on a bookmark.

What I sit with on this day, Dennis’s birthday, is that our paths were in God’s hands all the time. He knew our moves before we made them. He brought us together.

I don’t know why he fell prey to Lewy Body dementia, but I do know he chose to view it the way he did – sometimes fighting it, trying to understand it, living with it in a form of acceptance while observing its progress in his body. He chose the path that led to his stroke. Most of the choices after that were not his, although he assented to the ones he could understand.

But today is not about his death. It’s about his birth, what a cute little guy he was as a child, what a studious young person he became, what a meticulous professional he was. His ways, his smiles, his silliness, his sternness, his peculiarities are all still in the minds of those who knew him.

Today, I miss him a lot. I think he would like knowing that he’s missed. He was such a good man.

What? August is Half Over?!

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It’s more than half over – this month of August. I can already tell that it’s not light as early as it used to be. Summer is doing what it always does, going away.

But it’s been perfect this week, enough sun, enough rain, enough cool work weather. I love being up north.

– Hiked at Hunt Hill Audubon Camp. Such a beautiful 2.8 mile trek around lakes and forest. The blackberries are huge this summer and we had to grab a few off the bushes we went past.

Just one of the lakes we skirted.

– Worked on my first book project. I’m not reading this time, I’m writing. It is ready for editing. It’s about my journey with Dennis, through our years with Lewy Body Dementia.

– Connected with family over a breakfast at my condo, and with friends for breakfast at a restaurant. Breakfast is my major meal of the day. Why not share it with precious people?

– Thought and planned for the trip coming up in September.

– Got in a war with the deer and rabbits over possession of my flower garden

Garden beauty draws predators, and it’s not just because they’re hungry. There’s plenty to eat this time of year.

– Made some noticeable advances in my Spanish language learning

– Spent time with Mom and her brother, my Uncle Wendell. It’s good to have someone in my life who’s older than me, and there are fewer of those people around.

– Spent a lot of time watching videos of this munchkin.

Gwennie, my favorite video personality

– Gratitude time, walking the wetlands and counting the deer that cross my path. They are either not afraid of me, or I’m invisible now.

Two littles with spots and three adults. They knew they had me outnumbered and didn’t care what I would do.

Lastly, I spent hours trying to regain access to my blog website this week. Not sure how he did it, but Ryan Bruels got me back in possession, and I’m grateful for that. It’s not just physical journals that can suddenly become nonfunctional. There’s that web thing and all the entities behind it…

8/3/24 Warm Weather

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It is almost a week now that I have been without my car. The positive things about that are:

– I’ve gotten one on one time with several friends as I sit in their car getting a ride from them

– I’ve gotten a lot of exercise walking to and from appointments and to visit Mom in assisted living

– I’ve had lots of room in the garage to analyze my storage methods (not that anything has changed)

– I have a deepened appreciation for motorized travel of all kinds, particularly when it’s accompanied by air conditioning

– I’ve discovered short cuts walking about town and made good use of them

Wednesday I walked over 7 miles, on a very warm day.  At one point I emerged from the woods, one of my short cuts, and stumbled out onto the shoulder of the road. An approaching transit bus saw me and immediately started to pull over to pick me up. I appreciated the alertness of the driver but waved him on instead. I wasn’t ready to be saved yet, although I probably looked like I needed to be. 

I’m willing to say that this might be our hottest week of the summer here in Hayward. We don’t get that many of them. It’s also been a week of being a tourist in my own hometown, since I have visiting family members to hang out with. As I mentioned before, we did the obligatory stop to eat ice cream at West’s Dairy, had a relaxing hour at 3 Fly Sisters, and dinner at Angler’s. It seems like I’ve eaten out a lot lately.  Thanks to my brother Gary and his lady, Lyn, my patio grill has been used three times this week too. She puts the meal together, but Gary stands out in the heat cooking it. (Grilled chicken, corn on the cob, pasta with pesto, salad, peach cobbler – there were no complaints.)

It’s Lumberjack World Championship week, so town has been full of… lumberjacks? Maybe. I didn’t watch any of the contests, since that would have been one more thing to walk to.  

It’s looking like my tomato plants have recovered after being grazed on by our herd of deer.  I’ve picked my first cucumber.  All this proves that something likes this hot weather a lot.

Green is my absolute favorite color, and there is a lot of it out there now.

I’ve prayed this week about all the things that have been bothering me and have gotten answers on a couple of them. I always keep a running list of things I’ve lost on God’s desk. At the top of the list is my mailbox key.  I haven’t found it yet, but I was able to get a master key from my brother and have emptied the box. There was nothing of value to me in there, so, crisis averted.

And I’ve followed up on the phone call to my Julia. Life is too short to leave people wounded and wondering what was meant by a complex conversation. We know we love each other, and somehow God reassures and gives direction in how to communicate that.

So, it’s Saturday. I’m going to walk over to Water’s Edge Assisted Living and spend a couple hours with Mom. We are reading “The Good and Beautiful Life” by James Bryant Smith.  It’s giving us some interesting things to think about. 

One Year Ago

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This is June 20, 2024. It has been one year since the early morning when I sat by Dennis’s bed, holding his hand, as he took his last breath. Time has separated me from that experience, and so much has happened that I acknowledge it has been many months. And yet, it seems short, as if it were only yesterday. You would think I would be used to the craziness of time by now.

I have gone back to the beginning of the story by reading my blog posts from 2018 and on. The good thing about this reading exercise is that it helps me remember details, some of them tragic, some of them ridiculously funny. I also lit the remembrance candle while doing this – a sort of ceremony. I will probably go to the cemetery later and see if the plants around his marker have taken root. I expect the day to be full of memories of our Lewy Body time, but also of simpler times when we didn’t know what was coming.

I haven’t had trouble continuing with life. It is good, this June, to be able to put bouquets of peonies around the house, to consider going to events during the local festival, to meet new friends in a hiking club. There has been too much to do to even consider sitting around feeling depressed or lonely. I miss Dennis, but there is nothing like a prolonged period of sickness and suffering to make it clear that death was a relief for him, and for me. And there is nothing like faith in God to make it clear that death is not the end, even though there are not a lot of details about what comes next.

As I watch our little granddaughter, whom Dennis did not get to meet, grow and become amazing, I’m aware of how closely together his departure and her arrival were. I view it as providential that he was able to look at the early ultrasound and recognize it as “Julie’s baby”. He would be so proud of her now.

Our little Gwendolyn Ruth

It was providential that he was present at both daughters weddings during the covid years. It was providential that each difficult part of the worst five years of our lives held such precious, significant moments. There were times when relationships were formed, and deepened, times when we didn’t expect help but it was there anyway. Times when we endured things we didn’t think we could endure, and found strength we didn’t know we had.

Thank you God, for being real to me through it all. You were, you are and you will be present with me. That gives me a lot of peace, freedom from worry and a weird sense of confidence. Pretty happy about that, just sayin’…

A Boat Full of Water

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It was tricky getting good pictures of this outing since phones and water do not mix well. I think you’ll get the idea though. Fun was had.

Today was overcast and cool, with a possibility of rain. We decided against taking a hike because Esther had an alternate idea that would keep us warm and entertained, at least for a couple of hours. Hot tub boats. Yes, it’s a thing.

We drove to Lake Washington, which is right in the city of Seattle. The lake is surrounded by skyscrapers, bridges, and highways. Its harbor is quite busy with all sizes of boats, and seaplanes. There are many houseboats, and waterfront businesses. There is a lot to look at. Someone came up with the idea of looking at it all while sitting in a hot tub, on a cute electric boat, with snacks on board and music.

I had filled out my waiver online the night before and got checked in quickly, along with Esther, Ryan and Jon. It seemed a little contrary to nature at first, taking off our warm clothes to the bathing suit layer and getting wet, on a day like this. But the water inside the boat was 104 degrees and felt really good. We stowed our food and watched a quick video tutorial on rules and regulations, then we were off.

How many feet away from shore?

I don’t remember all we were told, but the basics were 1) don’t get off the boat. 2) don’t let anyone else in the boat. 3) don’t go under any bridges 4) try not to hit anything. There was nothing to this boat except a joy stick for steering. The electric motors were quiet and invisible. There was a little bit of wooden deck at the front of the boat, with a hatch door covering a storage area. The rest of the boat was a hot tub with benches down both sides and the back.

This is the life… Space Needle coming up
We were told not to worry about the planes taking off and landing all around us. The pilots would worry about us, hopefully.

In the two hours we were on the water, we circled that part of Lake Washington and took in the sights, including the Space Needle and all the hustle and bustle of the city. I had never been on a mobile hot tub before and found it an interesting combination of bathing and boating. Esther has also done this at night and said it was especially beautiful.

I would recommend this outing to anyone visiting the Seattle area. Yeah, it was fun, and different from the average boat ride, and perfect for birthday week.

Parade of water homes.
Yachts from all over the world, fishing boats from Alaska

Set Me Free

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This year has brought a lot of new situations into my life. And, of course, changes have come with them. I have had to change many things, especially the expectations I have about myself, my work, and my purpose. It’s been a bit of a free fall. When I first started feeling restless, unmotivated, stuck, apprehensive, and frustrated, those adjectives were just on the edges of life. In the center there was always a lot of routine activity. There were distractions of all kinds. There were people to help, events to attend, all of it pointing to getting back to being my former self.  Until things got quiet.

I think it was easy to divide life into before and after the death of my husband, and to think that I would get back to being my usual self, whoever that was.  Now that some time has passed, I’m starting to view it differently. My life is more like an ever changing timeline. Dennis’s death was a significant event on the timeline, that is true, but there were other events as well, and change came with each of them. 

Getting right to the freedom part, I made a decision this week that started this whole chain of thought. Here is what happened. 

 I like to call myself a writer, but who am I kidding if I don’t write? For over ten years now I have managed to do a blogging challenge, the April A to Z.  At first I filled the 26 days of the month with random posts. Later I started picking themes because it was easier and more interesting. The last couple of years I’ve struggled to find new themes that sparked creativity, but still managed come up with something. Last year I did character sketches, based on real people I’ve known but fictionalized. This year I thought I might work on putting those people in plots. I told myself that doing this challenge was important to me and made me a better writer.

I got a few stories done, and then I hit a wall.  Nothing was coming together. I was avoiding writing any way I could, and feeling ashamed about it at the same time. I felt like I had to do it, because I had done it for so many years. This self imposed mandate was sucking all the fun out of my days. So I set myself free. What a relief. 

I don’t have to join the challenge. I don’t have to follow a theme. I can forget about the alphabet if I want to. I don’t even have to write anything this coming month at all. It feels pretty good to rebel against some kinds of restrictions. So much so, that I’ve been looking around for other things that I don’t need to do, things that I have bound myself to that might be up for re-evaluation. 

What will my summer be like if I don’t put in a garden? What will my files look like if I clean out some of the trivia? Is it time to let go of my high school and college cheerleading letters? How will it change my relationship with my mom if I’m more of a friend and less of a caregiver?  How might it feel if life is simpler, less burdened?

This thought train has just started to pick up steam. At this stage in my life there are compelling reasons to think about lightening the load, letting go of things, and throwing off chains. Of finding new freedom.  

And what things would God have me do with the new freedoms that have come my way?

What have you been freed from recently? Join the conversation – I would love to hear your thoughts. 

Still have them, but their days are numbered. Go team, go!

Gwennie Ru and the Patched Heart

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As I said in the previous post, Gwennie will be glad to read this someday and know her history.

I can think of a hundred happy adjectives to describe how I feel today about GwennieRu’s recent VSD surgery, but I will stick with relieved, grateful and blessed. She now has expectation of normal growth and lifespan. She may get discharged from the hospital today, which is absolutely amazing.

Surgery, originally scheduled for Thursday, was postponed to Friday morning. This was a good thing since it put her first on the surgeon’s list for the day. Julia and Kevin took Gwennie to the hospital early Friday morning, and difficult as it was, handed her over to the surgical team. The other grandma and I joined them in the waiting room.

The first hour in the OR, Gwennie was sedated (so glad they did that first) and then IV’s were inserted so that she could be connected to the heart lung machine. Then the surgery started and we were given hourly updates by the staff.

The surgeon had previously explained this process to us. After the heart lung machine was ready, her chest was opened and her heart was stopped so they could work on it. At Gwennie’s age her heart is about the size of a large strawberry so you can imagine how delicate this sewing job had to be.

The incision in the heart was made in the right atrium, and from there, the hole in the ventricle was accessed through the tricuspid valve. A dacron patch was stitched over the hole, which was described as being large. It was tested for leaks, and then the heart was closed and started back up again. Sounds simple, but I can’t even imagine how they did it without lasting damage to any nerves, or the heart itself. The doctor did say that they cool the heart down so it doesn’t need as much oxygen while it’s without circulation.

It was so hard to see her when she came out of recovery. But it was the knowledge that each one of the wires, tubes and drains had a vital part in keeping her safe that made it tolerable. The pain meds kept her sleeping a good part of that first day, but she did wake up and took her bottle that night.

A girls has got to eat…

The next day, Saturday, the drain and the pacer wires, the intra jugular port and a couple IV lines were removed. In the afternoon she was doing well enough to move to the step down unit.

Yesterday in step down, she was weaned off oxygen. She seemed very comfortable and without pain and was playing with her toes and toys like she normally does. Today, if all goes well, she may come home. Isn’t that amazing?!

So, for any of you who read my previous posts and had compassion, maybe offered up a prayer for Gwennie Ru, know that we appreciated that prayer. God gifted men and women with the ability to do some crazy stuff medically, and Gwennie Ru was in the right place and time to benefit from it. He was watching over her, and us as we waited.

Postscript: They are home!

Adventures at Julia’s House: Girl’s Day Shopping

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I could have titled this “Not the Usual Day Shopping”, or “How Much Stuff Fits in a Buick”. I settled for “Girl’s Day Shopping” because it was shorter, we were all girls this trip (Julia, GwennieRu and I) and we certainly did shop.

Sometimes I dream of taking a daughter to a nice clothing store, out to lunch, and maybe a stop at a nail salon or spa. These are only dreams though, and not really my style. Not really Julia’s style.

But I had offered to help Julia shop for her postpartum wardrobe, knowing that it is a difficult time when you’re no longer wanting to wear maternity clothes, but are still waiting for your body to return to normal. Every day can be a struggle in less than comfortable clothing. So shopping was in order.

We bundled ourselves up – it was cold – and went to town in my Buick Enclave. I had my empty propane tank in the back. Earlier in the week the store had been out of propane. I was hoping they had been resupplied. On the way to Tractor Supply for the propane, Julia remembered the order for animal feed that was now ready for pick up. Normally this would be a job for her truck, but, oh well. It wouldn’t hurt to try to get the 20 bags in the Buick as long as we were there.

Twenty minutes later, the back of the car was nearly full to the ceiling with 50 pound bags of feed and the now full propane tank sat in the second row seat next to the baby.

We were near Big Lots, a fun place to find odd things. I didn’t find much, but Julia found bleach on sale and got six gallons, and a few other things. We found room for them on the floor where they wouldn’t tip over. This shopping trip was already well worth doing.

Returning unwanted Christmas presents was on the list, so we went to what I would call a “ritzy” department store that actually had large departments for every age person, mostly clothing, and no carts for carrying anything like a car seat. I should have opted for putting Gwennie in the front pack, but she had looked so comfortable in the car seat, that I kept her in it and carried it in. I try never to disturb a comfortable baby.

We did the returns, and whizzed past what they called their “sales” where there was nothing we were interested in. I will say that they could do more for their customers by having a cart or two by the door. Why not?

We were hungry by this time and coasted around the outdoor mall for a while in indecision, looking for a satisfactory restaurant and a bathroom. Tropical Smoothie seemed right to Julia since she often drinks lunch. I ordered a salad and a side of sweet potato and thought to sat down and eat it, when Julia asked if I wanted to get going. I didn’t really mind, so the lunch went in a bag and sat on the dash, while we looked for the next store.

TJ Max was our destination. This time I put the baby in the front pack, which was not only easier, but more fun. All the people we met loved looking at Gwennie, and it was easy to go in front of a mirror and let her look at herself and laugh. Julia found a bunch of jeans to try on and disappeared into the dressing room. When Gwennie got bored, we went back out to the car where she took a bottle, and I ate my slightly soggy salad.

No trip to town is complete without a trip to the grocery store. Julie loves to buy groceries. I think it is her way of relaxing, since usually no one wants to go in the store with her. She can coast as many aisles as she wants to and consider all kinds of food purchases uninterrupted. This is rare and precious time.

When she came out with a full cart, to our already full car, we had a fun time figuring out where everything would go. My car cooler took most of the things that were perishable. Cauliflower, lettuce and assorted vegetables went in holes between the bleach and bags of clothing. I can’t remember everything we had but when we were done we high fived each other and felt pretty proud of ourselves. This kind of shopping trip is not for the faint of heart.

I was glad Julia was driving. She said yes, the front of the car did seem a little elevated because of the load of feed in the back, but not enough to impede our progress. We headed home. Shopped out. Well, not really shopped out but there was not room for anything else.

At home, Kevin came out to help us unload. He opened the back door and said “Wow!” We took that as a compliment and proof that we had done something significant. He started hunting for the baby which he knew was in there somewhere.

We found her. She was still smiling too.

And so ended our girl’s day shopping. We got a lot done. For now, that’s the kind of girls we are, and that’s how we shop. Just sayin’…