Today I am haunted by a feeling of despair, uselessness, and disappointment with myself. It started with a valid point, a realization that I had fallen short of my own expectations in an important area of my life. And then it grew. Gained momentum. I say it haunts me because I continue to walk about looking somewhat normal but I’m aware of the feeling and I talk less, retreat more, have less energy and confidence, feel sad. It’s like a shadow that I can’t shake off.
I’m writing about it as self defense. I imagine myself walking down a dark street and hearing footsteps following me. I begin to worry and want to run but I know that I’ll probably be caught. So the best defense is to turn around, face the stalker and scare the living daylights out of HIM. At least I’ll see him face to face and he’ll know he’s been identified.
I know it’s not healthy to allow (yes, allow) a negative message to take up residence and repeat itself over and over in my mind. And even though the original thought was mine I think there is a spiritual force that just loves to seize an opportunity when it sees one. It may be thought of as superstitious and backward to believe in a devil but hey, there is a glaring amount of evidence that something loves to work from within to destroy people’s lives. It is expert at destruction and extremely covert. I don’t care what your name is. I’ve turned around to look and I see you. And more importantly, you can see that I’m not alone – like you thought I was.
One thought on “Shortfalls”
I don’t think it’s superstitious at all to believe there is a devil. The devil is in the guilt that recurs (or remains) after we’ve already been forgiven; it’s the voice that tells us we can’t when we should. I love your last sentence – we may appear alone, but we indeed, are not (and to me, that is comforting!)