Today I am haunted by a feeling of despair, uselessness, and disappointment with myself. It started with a valid point, a realization that I had fallen short of my own expectations in an important area of my life. And then it grew. Gained momentum. I say it haunts me because I continue to walk about looking somewhat normal but I’m aware of the feeling and I talk less, retreat more, have less energy and confidence, feel sad. It’s like a shadow that I can’t shake off.
I’m writing about it as self defense. I imagine myself walking down a dark street and hearing footsteps following me. I begin to worry and want to run but I know that I’ll probably be caught. So the best defense is to turn around, face the stalker and scare the living daylights out of HIM. At least I’ll see him face to face and he’ll know he’s been identified.
I know it’s not healthy to allow (yes, allow) a negative message to take up residence and repeat itself over and over in my mind. And even though the original thought was mine I think there is a spiritual force that just loves to seize an opportunity when it sees one. It may be thought of as superstitious and backward to believe in a devil but hey, there is a glaring amount of evidence that something loves to work from within to destroy people’s lives. It is expert at destruction and extremely covert. I don’t care what your name is. I’ve turned around to look and I see you. And more importantly, you can see that I’m not alone – like you thought I was.
Today, having survived the A to Z Challenge, I decided to ignore all my tech gadgets and go outside – for the whole day. There was no checking the email every 10 minutes on the phone, no looking for likes and follows, no reading and commenting. It was a nice break. Until a few minutes ago at the dinner table when the husband said “what happened to your Z post?” Blank look from me. “It wasn’t on your site so I went to facebook and saw it, clicked, it came up for a moment and then disappeared, so what happened to it?” More blank look from me.
I know I published the post yesterday, but sure enough, there it was back in draft form on WordPress. Now how did that happen? I’m not going to cry much but when I decide I’m going to do something on time, it had better happen on time. After making myself crazy getting 25 posts done and up on the exact day they are due, the last one comes in a day late? Nooooooo…….
I’m ok, really. I had a great day. I got to play with fire. In fact I’m still burning brush at 7:30 pm and I started at 3. Living in an oak grove produces LOTS of downed branches which I have to clear off the lawn every week before I mow. The pile was getting a little out of hand so I’m writing while keeping an eye on the blaze (we don’t want to burn down the neighborhood tonight…).
I am really good at starting fires, probably a little prideful about it even. If I were on the reality show “Naked and Afraid” I would be the one to start the fire and keep it burning. Of course I would never be on the show because it’s a bit freaky and a really bad idea to be naked in places like the Amazon jungle. What people will do to be on TV…
I started this fire with papers that I got tired of trying to put through the shredder yesterday. I was cleaning old files and it was taking forever to shred things that I randomly decided should be shredded. I knew it would be quicker to burn them and it was. However it was odd to look at the papers as I lit them up and see “keep for your records” in big type across the top. My paranoid self said “wait, don’t do it!” and my other real self said “calm down, they’re from 1999, nobody has needed them yet – pretend they’re still back in the file.” Paranoid self “but it says KEEP, it doesn’t say how long.” Real self “shut up”.
I used to be diligent about throwing away old records and keeping only ones 7 years back but lately I’ve just forgotten to do it. No, actually I avoid doing it because I am paranoid that the husband someone is going to ask for something the day after I throw it away. And the other reason I keep stuff is for necessary balance in the world. I’m balancing out my friend Karyn who throws it all out. She’s a financial adviser, for pete’s sake, and she says it’s all online when you need it. Well, I know what happens when I try to find something online at the last minute – forget that. Karyn also has a garage with nothing in it except her car and a row of steel shelves with labeled, see-through plastic bins. That’s just not right. My garage also balances out Karyn’s garage.
As I said, with all this great burning going on I’ve had a really good day and the brush pile is nearly gone. Hmmm… I think I need to go turn on the hose, ‘scuse me.
I met her several years ago because her son was needing help with his English schoolwork. I was a tutor for the “No Child Left Behind” program and arrived at their home one day after school to spend some time meeting the family and assessing exactly what was needed. Our friendship went from being centered on her son to food rather quickly. She was always cooking something in large quantities and urging me to take some. She packaged hot meals and sold them to workers at her husband’s workplace.
She and her husband were Hispanic and back in Mexico she had gotten a degree in Accounting, I think, but that didn’t count for much here in the States. She did whatever she could find to do in between her children’s school schedules. Her husband worked in construction but this was in 2008 and Florida’s economy was taking a hit. They were barely making their house payments, but they had their own place. It was clean and neat.
Our friendship deepened later on. Hispanic women (and men) have a thing for fragrance and Zenaida signed up with me to sell cosmetics and perfume. We marketed together, got dressed up and went to sales meetings. Later still, when my daughter needed an extra hand in her house-cleaning business, I suggested she try Zenaida and it was a good suggestion. The clients loved her integrity and work ethic. When my daughter moved on to vet school, Zenaida inherited her business.
Zenaida is still the friend who shows up at birthday parties and graduations with a full tray of home cooked tamales (my daughter’s favorite). She still wants to help with my cleaning and yard work and is the hardest one to take any pay for her work. She just wants to be a friend, and she is. And her name begins with Z (for which I am thankful).
Zenaida is a common name for women in several cultures and is also the name given to the Zenaida dove which is our mourning dove.
1. I can write regularly.
2. Writing regularly is easier with a prompt, no matter how random or silly.
3. Writing regularly gives you more opportunities to write something good.
4. Not everything will be great or even good, but something is probably better than nothing
5. Reading other’s writings stimulates your own.
6. Readers who interact are immeasurably valuable, they become friends and mentors.
7. Z is my hardest letter.
Yes. A beautiful word. I can think of so many times when I’ve been thankful to hear a “yes” from someone. Yes, you can do that. Yes, it can be worked out. Yes, I have time. Yes, you’re accepted. Yes, it’s going to be okay. Yes, I found it, it’s here. Yes, it can be fixed. Yes, I love you. It’s easy to get in trouble with my “yes” and my “no”. My fearful “no” makes me miss out on valuable experiences. My unthinking, default “yes” results in an overcommitted, overwhelming schedule. So, to be purposeful and joyful in saying YES I am going to
Say yes to people I love. My cousin recently asked me for some sewing help. She and her daughter came over and we spent time together doing a project she really wanted done. That was a good “yes” and actually got me thinking about the subject.
Say yes to experiences rather than vicarious living. Going to Cambodia was something I never imagined myself doing. It has also been one of the most enriching experiences I’ve had in all my life. And it grows better each time I go.
Say yes to creativity over merely consuming. Writing something, sewing something, growing a beautiful plant, making music are the activities I run to when I wonder who I am. For some strange but wonderful reason, I need to create to be happy.
Say yes to things that are lasting over things that are temporary. As I sit here thinking, I know science doesn’t have an answer that satisfies me as to how I can be aware, have a conscience, be a unique person, be more than just physical matter. The metaphysical, the spiritual side of me exists and it feels a connection to the eternal.
So may my yes’s be many, made with joy and wisdom. And may my no’s be few and judiciously spoken.
Poetry is so mysterious. I love the collection of quotes about poetry on Addie Zierman’s post today, especially one by Dave Harrrity: “They aren’t silver bullets, tweetable platitudes, divine deliveries, or didactic directives that help you “be a better person.” If a poem made your world easier, simpler, or more livable, then it’s almost certain that you haven’t read a poem.”
Fellow A to Z Challenge writers, we are on the home stretch! Yay us (!) for sticking with it. My post today is really kind of lame – I have a headache, what can I say? It hurts when I try to think.
But I will say that X is an entirely useful thing, found all around us in our everyday lives. Please join me in a photo tribute to X.
Looking through a drawer I came across five watches that I’ve worn at various times. All of them had stopped running and probably needed nothing more than a new battery. One of them had a cracked crystal. I took them to a jewelry store to get them going again and when I picked them up the clerk said “no charge”. They were all running and set to correct time so I asked why I wasn’t being charged for new batteries. He mentioned the cracked crystal and apologized. I told him he hadn’t done it – it was that way when I brought it in. He said he knew that, but was sorry he hadn’t been able to replace it, so he was giving me the batteries for free. It was a small thing, but an unusual business occurrence these days. I don’t think I’ll forget it.
When was the last time you experienced someone taking responsibility for something for which they were not responsible? And doesn’t that speak of a confidence and grace that is generous and non-threatening? I was grateful in this situation and the good will created will likely take me back to that store to spend money at some point. This is in sharp contrast to times when responsibility is avoided or denied, when the most important thing seems to be pinning the blame somewhere.
I was thankful for this little object lesson that God dropped in my path and I’ll try not to forget to put it into practice. I think it’s about being humble, not in a self deprecating way but with confidence. I am valued enough that I can willingly accept responsibility for my own mistakes and maybe for a few of someone elses’ as well. It doesn’t really matter who is to blame. And I’ve found that after years of using my phone for getting the time, I kind of like wearing a watch again. Just sayin’…
One of my all time favorite tv series is James Herriot’s “All Creatures Great and Small”. How interesting and fun it is to now be watching my daughter live out her own version of that story. Real doctors treat more than one species, or so it says on the back of her t-shirt. Doctor J is a vet’nary specializing in large animals, mainly horses but also cows, pigs, sheep, goats and other farm creatures.
Although this is a long standing dream of hers, to be a vet, and she finds it meaningful and satisfying, it is not always pleasant, convenient or easy. In fact, it is often unpleasant, inconvenient and hard. She has a mobile practice and travels from farm to farm with her truck full of supplies and equipment. At present, the area she covers is wide and she spends much time on the road. Many nights she is not home until 9 or 10 and still has her own animals to care for, oh, and herself to feed and put to bed. …
Sometimes when I visit, I ride with her and pretend I’m part of her team (after all, I am a nurse – I know how to fetch a scalpel or a suture, or the lubricant…). From my daughter I learned how to hold a sheep and how to pull a horse’s tongue out of the way while his teeth are getting filed (floated). She has saved a choking horse and set a lamb’s broken leg. She does ultrasounds and x-rays on her patients lugging heavy equipment cases to the field or the barn. She endures the most awkward positions for hours while sewing up a bad laceration or bandaging a difficult area. And she is often called upon when owners decide that their animal needs that last compassionate act.
And who would have thought that someone with sensitivities to organization (sock drawer perfection) and cleanliness (professional house cleaner) would develop such a high tolerance for dirt, manure and horse spit? It’s all part of the job for Dr. J., Equine Vet’nary.
I Just Have to Say... 