Category: Writing

The subject of writing, my own writing journey, writing that I read and enjoy

Fire!: Building Relationship

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That word you don’t want to yell in a crowded theatre! Danger aside, I think it’s our feeling that we can control fire that makes it so compelling to us humans. That, and how it warms us, and casts light into dark places, and is so colorful and active. I’m a closet pyromaniac, can you tell?

Oh yeah!

Fire is so mysterious and useful, but what about the relationship building aspect? I will tell you what I have learned. People will start talking about very interesting, personal things when sitting around a cozy fire. Maybe it’s because they know others won’t be looking at them when there’s a fire to look at. Staring at a fire also seems to hold space – talk gets interspersed with times of thought. It’s perfectly okay to just think for a while when sitting around a fire. If it’s night, it’s even safe to cry a bit if you need to and the fire will cover for you.

I just want to start something here, tonight!

I have sat around countless campfires with family and friends and it has become a special activity for me. I think the daughters would agree, as I see hints in their lives as adults. Prominent in Julia’s yard is the fire circle set up by her uncle for her wedding celebration (the one where it rained and made fire impossible). Prominent in Esther’s yard is her Solo stove that we sit around most every time I visit.

So inviting. Sit a spell.

And in my own practice of relationship building, I also have a Solo stove that serves as a gathering place. You’ve heard “where there’s smoke, there is fire” but the switch around is also true. “Where there is fire, there is smoke” and it’s so annoying when it keeps blowing in your face, following you around as the wind changes direction. My Solo stove is pretty helpful at keeping the smoke down. I love it, and sometimes sit outside in the evening, all alone, watching wood burn, and thinking. It’s that much better when I can get others to join me.

Build a fire, and they will come. Try it.

They did come, and it was a fine fire.

Eating Together: Relationship Building

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Isn’t there a saying that the family that eats together stays together? Maybe not, but it has the ring of truth. A couple days ago I thought and wrote about cooking, but eating is much more than cooking. (And, in fact, some of my cooking doesn’t get eaten at all…). Social eating builds relationships, sharing food is a gesture of good will and caring. We meet at restaurants, we make our dining rooms welcoming, we serve meals at wedding and funerals, we can’t even watch a sports event without bringing out the game food. Food just seems to hang around wherever we gather.

First the candle…

Even my daughter who experiences misophonia, manages to value our times around the table, many of which take place in restaurants. We were being treated to a birthday brunch one year in a cute Mexican place in Seattle. I remember that meal because of the sauce that exploded all over Esther, after she blew out her celebratory birthday candle.

Then the memorable hot sauce splash. But we laughed as we cleaned up.

Other times our long walks would end up over coffee and cupcakes in a cute cafe. Over the years both daughters have also cemented their relationship with their Grandma over coffee and donuts, a tradition I don’t think will be changing anytime soon.

These two have bonded.

The challenge in this is making sure the relationship we are building is with people, not with the food we are eating. How do we do that?

In these days of toxic relationships with food like anorexia, bulemia, and fad diets, I’ve had to give my relationship with food some thought. I do use food to counter stress, to reward myself and to relieve boredom- yeah, it does all that quite well, but it’s not always the healthiest way to do those thing. Studying the psychology of eating this year through Noom (which I have blogged about numerous times) has been helpful to me. At least I am now aware of the difference between my relationship with food and my relationship with people through shared eating.

It can get complicated.

Yesterday I was tempted to take a picture of a beautiful, grilled chicken salad as it was set in front of me. I confess I have pictures, lots of them, of plates of food to illustrate a good keto meal, or a recipe that turned out great. But this time I thought, no. I’m going to enjoy sitting with my daughter, son-in-law and husband, in a gorgeous outdoor setting, while someone serves us good food as we talk, laugh and build relationship. Just sayin’…

You might even say that “waiting to eat” provides good opportunity for building relationships. I’ve done so much of that.

Dance!: Relationship Building Activity

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I first learned to dance with my kids shortly after they were born. They were in a pack strapped to my front side, and were usually crying or fussing when we started. The 70’s music and the steady movement to the rhythm soon had them quiet. I’m not sure what that did to their psyche or their developing musical tastes, but it worked well for me. We were building relationship while dancing.

Since then dancing has cropped up again, in different forms, but always serving good purpose. Ballet lessons were fun, but rather short lived. Swing dancing had a good run too – doesn’t everyone wish they could do that? I think both girls have had a stab at learning ballroom dancing as well. It’s easy to get tired of rocking back and forth from one foot to the other, endlessly, no matter what the music. A little waltz, foxtrot or salsa makes it so much more interesting, even if you only get to show it off at weddings.

I think it was during the swing dance stage that we decided to start a dance night at our family reunions. I remember pushing the furniture back in our lanai in Florida and everyone doing the chicken dance, and the hop, hop, hop one. This was such an easy tradition to begin because two of my brothers actually had been in the mobile DJ business at one time. They knew how to produce the music that fit the crowd. Family reunions should not be only about sitting around talking. There should be activity that all ages can do (in some form) together.

Both my daughters continued to love the family dance concept and both included it in their pandemic wedding plans (yes, two weddings in the last two years!).

Dancing in the rain (mud).

The reception tent in Julia and Kevin’s yard became a dance floor after the tables and chairs were moved away. Although they had visions of dancing under the stars, the stars were not visible because of the downpour. Rain dripped off the tent roof and soaked into the ground. Soon we had mud, red clay-ish mud staining shoes and hemlines, even the beautiful wedding dress! But it was all the more memorable because of the hint of adversity. Dancing in the rain has it’s place in our history now.

Esther and Ryan ordered clear weather and a raised dance floor. I wonder why? There was actual dancing under the stars and there were some wildly, beautiful moves. Fun to do, fun to watch.

As the night progressed that dance floor got a lot more crowded.

What memories has your family made around dance? It’s never too late to put on a favorite song and start dancing with your kids, even if all you do is rock back and forth from one foot to another.

Cooking: A Means of Relationship Building

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Everybody eats, and when we are together it makes sense to share the job of getting a meal together. It’s called cooking, most of the time, and it’s one of my least favorite jobs. Knowing that I have to think of something to eat, two or three times every day, for the entirety of my life sounds like cruel punishment to me – made tolerable only by sharing the load.

My children have sometimes made the job easier, but a lot of our bonding over food is because they have made it more complicated. Youngest daughter E decided to be vegetarian in her early teens. My memory of those years is foggy, but there were a lot of brownies, and peanut butter/jelly sandwiches for her. The rest of us ate everything, but it was hard for me to think I might be shortening her life by not feeding her better.

Oldest daughter J, on the other hand, was early into amateur chef behavior. Even on our hike on the Appalachian Trail, she was the one who had to bring real coffee, and fixings for blueberry pancakes. Now I have given up learning how to use all the machines she has in her kitchen. Electric crepe griddle, blenders, choppers, mixer, espresso machine, ice cream maker, air fryer, steamers, driers, toasters, more – I just can’t think of them all. I find cooking with her very interesting because it’s about the only time I really use a recipe, and I get to learn a new gadget. I am in awe of her knife collection, and her many pans.

Looks dangerous, I know. What are all these?

Cooking with E became easier when she started eating more food and searching out some of her health problems. We spent time on special diets like the autoimmune protocol, where we did things like making spaghetti sauce out of beets, and talking about umami, and boiling bones for hours and hours. One of her favorite recipes from childhood is still the meatloaf made out of everything except meat.

We had fun making ordinary food. No beets were involved.

Even though I don’t like to spend hours in the kitchen on fussy food, I have inherited a gene that demands food on social occasions. I get it from Mom, better known in the family as Cinnamon Girl. She always make the cinnamon rolls for our family gatherings and although we have all tried to learn, no one does it quite like she does. The feature film “Cinnamon Girl”, made by my marketing guru brother, is a family treasure. It was supposed to be a tutorial for us all, but we laugh so much that it’s more of a comedy documentary.

I find that bonding and relationship building over and around food is really pretty available, easy and satisfying. I text the daughters and send pictures when I make milk soup. We laugh over our dinner menu of popcorn, just popcorn. We have rituals involving donuts and ice cream. Maybe it’s not all technically “cooking” but that’s where I put it. Just sayin’… close enough.

The chicken is sitting in a really awesome pan! Also, all those spices in matching bottles – I’ve never been able to do that…

Ball Game!

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Baseball, or any other kind of ball or sport, is a fun way to spend time with your people. Baseball is particularly good because there is almost nothing happening out there in the field, leaving a lot of time for talking, concessions and hanging out in general.

There was time for us to hang out with what’s his name, I forget.

Eldest daughter’s husband was a baseball player and one of the first things I got to do with their family was go to a baseball game. There’s something down home and All American about these events. The stadiums are usually beautiful, clean, spacious and well lit at night. It’s usually summer when games are played so the weather is good. And there are often fireworks.

But while we are on the subject of sports, I have to say that the seasons when my girls played sports were some of the best times of our lives. Sure, it’s a little unnerving when you’re worried about them hurting themselves physically or being disappointed, but those times in the car riding back and forth are so good for relationship building. Watching young adults learn teamwork, discipline, and awesome physical skills is so satisfying, and should they happen to be on a winning team, all the better.

Some “young’ns” in my family hanging out at a game.

You’ve heard of soccer moms, but how about golf moms? Yes, there are such people. They get to do a lot of walking, which I’m always in favor of. I liked it when E played golf because the uniforms were more like regular clothes and didn’t usually get sweaty. She was a good golfer. We never did figure out what happened to that set of titanium clubs she had.

I hear that relationship building is even better if you can coach a sports team instead of sitting on the sidelines watching. My brother has always taken opportunities like that and as a result he knows families and their kids all over town. High school, middle school and even grade and pre-school kids are on sports teams and they are often looking for adult volunteers.

Remember the song “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”? It’s proof of what I’m saying here – memories will be made and you’ll have a great time!

There were fireworks!

Art in Building Relationship

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It helps to have a loose definition of “art”. Mine is “anything I like to look at”.

My daughters have always shown interest in artistic pursuits, from painting and drawing to writing poetry and stories. I like to think their early attempts showed promise, and I have kept quite a few of them to frame.

But now that they are working adults, I’m lucky to get time with them looking at other people’s art. Even that is a great way to spend time together and gets us talking, and finding out surprising things about likes and dislikes. Something as simple as sharing a great pic online or on my phone is using art to enhance a relationship.

I saw this cutie in J’s yard this week and had fun showing it to the family. Seriously, I would print and frame this. Art, right?

You don’t have to live in a metropolitan area full of museums and art shows to do this. I am now in a small town in northern Wisconsin and we have art walks, a “touristy” shop featuring local art, and small collections of great art in some of our major buildings – like the hospital and medical clinic. And of course there is the outdoors, where art is everywhere for the camera to find.

This stack of fabric is an art exhibit at the Seattle Art Museum. I have something almost like this in my sewing stash.

One of my memorable outings was to a museum in Seattle with my daughter E. This was probably during one of our April birthday week celebrations and what I saw there stretched my definition of “art” in some fun ways. Actually, walking around E’s house and seeing what she likes to look at is also quite fun, and stretching.

Some of my “faves” at E’s house give me clues to her minimalistic longings and the whimsical side of humor.

I’m thinking, lately, of what my art says about me. And what I would like it to say…

April Blogging Challenge

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Yes, it’s soon April and I’m so glad we only have 26 letters in our alphabet.

April is not only the month for the A to Z Challenge. In my world, it is also birthday month for me and one of my daughters. Other years we have celebrated by getting together the week of our special dates, but this year it is not working out for us. Instead I am going to be writing about all the ways we have spent quality time together celebrating anything and everything. I am also adding my other daughter and experiences I’ve had with her to my list of stories.

The three of us are pretty good at family adventures. The progression of hair colors is not chronological, just thought I would mention that…

This year it will be challenging, as the title suggests, not just because it requires almost daily posting, but also because I have to search for photos on multiple thumb drives, computers and places in the cloud. And I have not done posts ahead as in other years. And I will be traveling away from home much of the time. And doesn’t it seem that thing in general are a little more challenging these days? (“Stop listening to the news and looking at your phone!” I tell myself frequently.)

My hope is that these stories will nudge people to find ways to enjoy their valued relationships with their adult children, their life partners, and their friends. The pandemic has us starving for time with each other and now is the time to be creative in growing relationships in any way we can.

Here’s hoping you will join me for a month of looking back on fun, and getting ideas to chase fun into the future. Thanks readers!

Winter On Its Way Out

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Winter is struggling. It knows its days are numbered, but it doesn’t want to give up without a fuss. I know it likely has another storm or two to annoy us, but the longer days (yay! thank God!) and the higher trajectory of the sun are doing their job. We still have two or three feet of snow on the yards but there is melt taking place every day.

Have enjoyed watching this guy out my kitchen window.

I’ve enjoyed many things about winter, and am ignoring those other things, whatever they are.

Poor dear, literally, poor deer.

I skied 24 times, and have only to go out once more to meet my goal of 25. Some of those times could be titled “Freezing with Friends” but many have been perfect winter days and not at all uncomfortable. Skiing – we all know what it looks like and don’t give it a second thought when watching it. There’s a difference when you call it “walking on slippery surfaces with shoes over five feet long”. Suddenly it becomes ridiculous and dangerous. But, I’ve only fallen a couple of times and I have not broken any of my bones!

Soup, rolls, fruit and drink for 10,000

Our February ended with the American Birkebeiner, the biggest cross country ski event in the U.S. I’m in a much safer role for this activity. I help serve hot soup to people who’ve just done 55k on skis and lived to tell about it. Ten thousand bowls over two days – we volunteers have seen enough chicken noodle soup to last for a while.

Reading to my husband, watching Dr. Phil with Mom, early morning briefings over coffee with the family, errands, grocery shopping, a little housework now and then, trips to the clinic for doctor’s appointments, fixing meals, changing light bulbs, paying bills, playing with the cat… welcome to my world.

Which is so tame and safe compared to what is happening over in Ukraine. The people there are more like me than unlike me, with their parkas and winter hats. I think about them most of the day, pulling their suitcases across the border to safety, hiding in the subways with their children, taking up weapons and going out to actually shoot, and many of them dying. They are dealing bravely with their circumstances and I admire them, pray for them.

It doesn’t feel right to watch war on the news, to be a bystander. It feels a lot like being in the Roman coliseum watching the lions being unleashed on the undeserving and helpless. It’s not acting. It’s not a game show or a mini-series. I feel very affected and yet I have to go on working out my less important, more mundane circumstances, watching as one more winter comes to a close. I have to say, it is very strange and disturbing.

Thoughts on a Snowy Day

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It’s February. I’m sitting next to the window watching winter storm Nancy and the air is white and swirling with the snow. For the last day I’ve gone out periodically to shovel the walk between my house and Mom’s. It doesn’t do a lot of good because of the drifting, but perhaps it won’t be quite as deep when it finally stops falling.

Thank you God, for kitchen windows, for entertaining squirrels.

I’m also making bread. It’s in a warm place rising right now. I have a kitchen counter where I can look out a window at my bird feeders. I should say animal feeders because the squirrels and rabbits are there too. There is much about this time that is very nice.

I’m to consider the following questions today, in preparation for a guided group zoom tomorrow. A bunch of writers, including me, are trying to think deeply about who they are writing for and what their message is.

1. What do I know about my ideal reader and message? Answer: Not much. The people who give me the most feedback are personal friends, and a few others who seem to be around my age. Baby Boomers are starting to be introspective as they think of themselves as elderly. The messages they tend to like are along the lines of “you’re not dead yet. What you do will probably look different from when you did it at 20, and it may kill you, but you can still do stuff if you try.”

2. Is there anything about exploring this that makes me nervous or uncomfortable? Answer: Yes. I wonder about all the readers that I don’t ever hear from. I think there are a lot of different kinds of people reading that don’t say anything and I wish I could be more engaging. I wish I could know that I’m striking a chord or answering a need for encouragement.

3. What do I like to write about or talk about? I like to talk about the natural world because the bottom line is WONDER. I always arrive at the point of looking for God in what he has created, and that includes humans and their stories. The list of what I consider the “natural world” is pretty long. That is why my blog subjects are so eclectic. It might be snowflakes one day, a walk in the forest the next, a conversation with my mom, and today it might be making bread. To me, everything has a connection to the Creator.

4. How would I describe myself? I am outwardly calm, quiet, attentive, and resourceful. Inwardly, I often feel “less than” and insignificant, and in need of being reminded that I am unique, valued and loved. I think a lot of people feel that way. I would love it if my writing could give people the reassurance they need in those areas.

5. What do I know about my personality and how does that affect my writing? I am primarily an introvert, but I can step outside that when I need to, on a good day. I don’t mind being around a lot of people but my love is having good conversation with one at a time. I’m a helper type, always picking up on people’s needs and wanting to assist. It’s actually easier for me to decide to help someone else than it is to do my own hard work – that definitely affects my writing. Writing is hard work.

6. How do people describe me? Ask! Answer: I have asked but it’s hard to get responses to that question. It’s work to think about someone else and give an honest, serious assessment. I tested myself on that and find it difficult to describe others. So, I get it. No judgment. I always appreciate feedback and wish there were more of it. See question 2.

Have you ever tried to describe yourself, to yourself or others? How did that seem to you?

Snowflakes and Statistics

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Look at them all, closely.

Hardly a day goes by that I don’t run across some statistic, some number that is supposed to change my behavior, my attitude, and my life. The question in my mind is often “how on earth do they know that?’

The weather today consists of snowflakes of medium size, millions of them falling from the sky. How many times have I heard that no two snowflakes are alike? How can that be possible and who has checked it out?

You can tell me that there is science behind it but lately science has sounded like a living, changing thing much more than hard, unchanging facts. I have a hunch that there are real people behind “science”. Real people have opinions, objectives, biases, blind spots and well, they’re just fallible sometimes. When it comes to truth, I often hear “whose truth?” When it comes to science, I would like to hear more of “whose science?”

Did you know that 34% of adults still sleep with a stuffed animal or a blankie? Yeah, but I’ll bet there are lots of details about that statistic that we’d find more interesting than the statistic itself? The research was done on 2,000 people. Did they offer this information or did someone check? Were they in New York City (understandable) or in Wyoming? I have so many questions.

The average American generates 4.5 pounds of trash every day. Really? How do you average in the demolition of someone’s condemned home with the person who lives somewhere where no one even collects the trash?

The global (GLOBAL) rate for washing hands after using the toilet is under 20%. Now there’s something to think about. The CDC is involved with that one. Think of all the places they had to go, all the people they had to ask, and all the people they never bothered to ask.

Each American drinks an average of 26.5 gallons of beer and cider per year. I have a lot to catch up on if I’m to reach average status. Did the people behind this statistic want us to drink more, or less? (National Beer Wholesalers Association – go figure).

Admittedly, I am a skeptic of a lot of statistics. They can be so useful, but that’s exactly what I like to know. Useful for what, and for whom? Let’s get behind the scenes. And for so many statistics, who even cares? Quit the surveys and do something meaningful with all that research money.

What is meaningful, possibly life changing? Well, I think that if I found a person who desperately needed to know that they were unique and valued in this world, I might go ahead and tell them that no two snowflakes are alike, and they are all beautiful. However, I would not tell them that they all eventually melt, and that no one actually checks. Just sayin’…

Examples of statistics from http://www.bestlifeonline.com “50 Totally Crazy Statistics You Won’t Believe Are Real”