Tag: sex

Traveling Together

ShirleyjdietzLeave a comment

Here I am again, and it’s only been four months since I last wrote. I think about doing it a lot but I have the habit of doing other things instead. In the business of recording my life, I’m uncomfortable with these large gaps. Winter of 2026 is a good time to catch up. Being home recovering from Norovirus gives me more than the usual time to do it. 

It seems that my life, lately, has centered around three main issues; my man, my book, my family. I will start with my man, Kevin. I had heard that you can learn a lot about a person by traveling with them. That is why I had invited Kevin to join me in North Carolina. I have to say that this trip did not disappoint.

On our hike in Clifty State Park, Madison IN, with the Ohio river in the background.

We did well while staying with Julie. We did well traveling in the car to Indiana. Everyone has their own style of travel and we matched pretty well. I was excited to show Kevin my cousin’s beautiful hotel on the Ohio river (Fairfield Inn, Madison IN). I had booked a room there for him, while I stayed at Marlene’s house. We spent an extra day there and took an eventful hike at Clifty State Park. I could write a whole story on that hike, but not now. 

The last day of the trip was to the Wisconsin airport where he had left his truck. Toward the end of this time, we talked about our relationship. One or the other of us will often put the invitation out there – “what are you thinking?” It’s one of the things I admire about Kevin. He actually has reflected on our relationship and will talk about what he thinks. 

I had some questions about intimacy, partly because doing a trip together has a definite feeling of intimacy. Even aside from sexuality, there’s all that time in the car, learning each other’s tolerance for bathroom stops and hunger needs, what to listen to on the radio… it’s a lot. But we hadn’t really talked about the sexual aspects. We hadn’t shared a room, or a bed and I had sensed there was tension surrounding that. 

Kevin and I come from somewhat different cultures. The bottom line in my upbringing is no sex outside of the marriage covenant. In his, marriage is important, but not as necessary if there is commitment expressed. I think what I asked him was, “Are you just waiting, and expecting that I will soon change my beliefs about marriage and sleep with you?” He thought for a moment and answered “yes”. 

Looking back, I think he heard the “are you waiting” part, and of course he was waiting. I was concerned about the “are you waiting for me to change” part, and that was not going to happen. I also added that if a sexual relationship was his primary goal, he should probably go find someone else to pursue it with, asap. My hurt was that he apparently did not respect my faith held views on a Godly marriage. His hurt was that I would so easily reject him. 

And so began our first real crisis. It didn’t feel like an argument, really. It felt more like an ultimatum.There was no shouting or other meanness, but things did get really quiet. Fortunately we were at the airport. We finished the last hour of our trip in separate cars trying to process what had just happened. It was only the beginning of what we would learn.

The World of “Me Too”

Shirleyjdietz1 Comment

Today I was challenged. What if there is one person who needs to hear my specific story in order to survive? Some stories are harder to tell than others, but that is a really good reason to tell them anyway.

The devil never tires of taking something good and twisting it to bring evil on humanity. Take sex, for instance.

Growing up, from time to time, I would hear stories of abuse, rape, family incest. I didn’t know anyone personally who claimed to be a victim because, well, me and my friends, we were normal kids, with normal families. Stories of sexual trauma were not normal.

To demonstrate what happens in the mind of a child who is abused and molested I will tell you my story.

I grew up as the eldest child of very young parents. Farming was my Dad’s profession, and I loved our farm life. I loved being around animals, having kittens to tame, and being in the barn at milking time. But it was a struggle for my Dad to earn a living on the farm and he sometimes had to hire help.

Danny was our hired man when I was around five years old. He was handsome and personable and paid attention to me. I didn’t know he was a parolee – that was how Dad was able to afford him. He began to pay attention to me, to joke and talk to me while he was working. I enjoyed the attention. I didn’t begin to feel uncomfortable around him until he started setting me on his lap and feeling around under my clothing. I had no knowledge of sex at that age but even to me, that did not seem right. And yet, he was there in the places that I loved to play and hang out.

I remember the day it all came to a head. He had suggested that we play farm and do what animals did. I didn’t know how to say no to a grown up. I also didn’t know what animals did, but it sounded dangerous to me. I kept walking around the granary trying to keep away from him. I knew that animals were usually hard to catch and that was how I intended to play the game.

My anxiety grew until I finally got out the door and ran to my Dad. He was standing at the farm gas pump, gassing up the tractor and I think I recall grabbing his leg and holding on. I don’t remember what I told him but it must have been sufficient for him to get the picture. The only other memory I have of that day is seeing a patrol car with lights flashing in our yard by the barn, from the safety of the house. There was no more Danny to worry about, and my world was safe once more. No words were ever spoken of this in my hearing. It became as though it had never happened. It was an incident.

Many years later while listening to another person’s story, and still feeling that it only happened to other people, the memory flashed into focus. It was a shock to realize that I had indeed been molested as a child. Having never processed it (and at four or five years old I’m not sure I could have processed it) I needed to know more. Who else had any memory of what had happened? Mom and Dad only knew their part of the incident and it was then that I found out about Danny being on parole. He should never have been around children.

I decided that the part of the story that I would make important, was the fact that I was believed and rescued, without hesitation. The rest of my childhood was happy. I was in church regularly with my family, taught about God’s love and made a decision to believe and follow Jesus at camp one year. I eventually went to a church university where I met my husband. We raised our family of two girls and were actively serving the Lord at every opportunity.

But lest you minimize the importance of one sexual incident, especially when it is the first exposure to sexual feelings, I will tell you that there was damage done. From that point on through the rest of my life the feelings of anxiety, confusion and dread have been linked with the feeling of sexual arousal. It was not that it was difficult to have a normal sexual relationship with my husband – I realized there was no need for negative feelings with him. The evil twist was that I had to imagine situations of anxiety, dread, being used, and coercion in order to be aroused. These imaginations were wrong and I knew that, but they were exciting and almost necessary in order to perform.

What had been stolen from me was the goodness and freedom of sex with a loving, committed partner. I see this same sad thing happening in our culture today. Stories of sexual abuse and violence are mainstream entertainment. Many in our culture, men and women, clamour “me too” at the same time as they consume a steady diet of literature and media that wallows in sexual perversion and objectification of individuals. It would be very hard for a young person to escape being influenced by this contamination of what God intended to be a pure and holy relationship. It is sad, and needs to be redeemed. It’s one more example of why we need saving. Yes, we do.