I do not know if helpee is a word, but its meaning is pretty clear when I combine it with helper, right? These two positions are inseparable, and sometime in life, most of us will get a chance to experience both of them.

Recently, an elderly neighbor who had lost her husband, and her beloved dog decided that she had to have another dog to keep her company. She found a retriever mix in a shelter and brought it home. The trouble started when she found it was difficult to walk the dog. She was having trouble with her back and it was easy for all of us neighbors to see it when we watched her walk. I love to walk, so I offered to walk the dog for her.

She accepted help, because she had to, for the dog’s sake. But, because it made her feel like she owed me something, she was always rewarding me with money, gift cards, pie, when a simple “thank you” would have done. She was not going to be beholden. Her independent spirit would not allow it. She had not yet learned to be a gracious helpee.

One day she fell and had to call 911. Even though she spent a couple days in the hospital, the doctors couldn’t identify what was wrong and she was sent home to wait for test results. She fell again. This time she didn’t want to return to the hospital, so she didn’t call 911. She stayed on the floor for quite a long time until she was able to reach a family member. She ended up going to the hospital anyway. She will now have to go through a couple months in a rehab facility to regain the ability to walk.

I admire an independent spirit. I am all for people taking care of themselves and their own business for as long as possible. But I wrestled with my neighbor’s attitude toward receiving help when she really needed it, when it was offered with no strings attached.

I came one morning to walk the dog and she told me she had not slept well at all the previous night. Her bedroom smoke alarm started beeping because of low battery and drove her nearly crazy. I offered to do that quick and easy chore for her. No, she said. She didn’t have any new batteries. I told her I had a lot of batteries and would be right back with one. No, she said. She would have her grandson attend to it that evening. By this point in our relationship I was used to being a little aggressive, so I told her it would drive me crazy if I had to listen to that noise all day – I was going to change it for her. No, she said. She was going to stay in the living room, with the TV on, so she wouldn’t hear it. Her grandson would fix it later. No, no, no. Don’t help me.

Sometimes, the idea that we are bothering someone, or that we will owe them something keeps us from accepting reasonable help. In the end we can cause more trouble and frustration for those who want to help. It caused a lot of trouble for my friend’s family, who had to respond to her second emergency at an unexpected time.

My new theory is that we are all here to learn two things during our lifetime. The first is that we should care about others, learn to serve graciously, and love one another. The second is that we are all going to find ourselves helpless, at the end of our rope, not in charge, and in need. We will need to graciously admit that fact. Do you see it? Helpers and helpees… If helpers have no one to help, they can’t learn the first lesson. If helpees have no one caring for them, they don’t learn the second lesson.

Gracious acceptance of help is a hard lesson, one I am not eager to learn. But, I have given it a lot of thought lately, and because of this experience, my attitude toward being helped is changing. I want to be gracious, when the time comes.

Which of these lessons is hardest for you? Have you had to accept help? How did it make you feel? What roles do pride and humility have in this equation?