Tag: gratitude

Reflections on the Death of an Unusual Friend

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I was sitting by myself, in a Cracker Barrel restaurant, on Thanksgiving. My favorite family holiday was anything but that in 2011. I was having dinner and writing my first post on this blog. I was in Atlanta, on the job as a private duty nurse for my client who was a quadriplegic. It was the most miserable job I had ever taken, and writing out my misery was comforting.

Scottie was an unforgettable client. She had a diving accident in her early 20’s that ended her career as a flight attendant and changed her life drastically. In fact it changed many lives, because she went through the years having a marked effect upon her family and all her caregivers and friends. Being so vulnerable and helpless was not easy for Mary Scott Stoddard, or Scottie, as we all called her.

I found Scottie’s ad on Craig’s List of all places. I was needing a job to help my daughter Julia through veterinary school and was having trouble finding one. Even though I’d taken a refresher course, the hospital had passed me over and hired new grads instead of older nurses, like me. I was pretty desperate to get something so I went to the interview even though the salary was low, even though she was really wanting an LPN, even though I would have to drive out to Longboat Key to work.

It turned out that she was glad to hire me. She was in the habit of losing nurses, about one a month, and had gone through lots of them. Word was out there about how difficult an employer she was. The nurse who oriented me was an LPN, working on her BSN, and she hardly ever got a day off and even did some nights because there was no one else. It was a pattern I came to expect over the next six years as I became the senior employee who oriented new people.

I could go on at length about what made Scottie a difficult employer, and I did do a lot of venting in my writing. But I have since spent more time being grateful for the unique experience I had in her employ. Where else would my job description have included trapping raccoons, taking carriage driving lessons, and traveling to Nova Scotia? Our many trips to Atlanta and north Georgia were filled with interesting stops and people. We spent time at Bluegrass festivals and the North Georgia fair. We stopped for fresh peaches in the early summer and apples in the fall. She loved music, so we went to concerts. She loved the inter coastal waterway so we went out in her pontoon boat. She shared her Longboat Key cottage with me when I had family come to visit.

Scottie and I had adventures. Getting a quadriplegic with tons of luggage, two wheelchairs and a Hoyer lift on a commercial airline flight was uniquely stressful. Stopping the van on the side of the road to handle a medical emergency with her was uniquely stressful. Spending nights during hurricanes in her home, with water lapping the floorboards beneath my bed was uniquely stressful. The adrenalin rush of unique stress is about the same as the rush during excitement, and the years have blurred the line. I now think of those times as having been exciting.

I think Scottie got used to me praying for her, especially during those times of crisis when we didn’t know what to do. She even began to ask for it, and to do her own praying. And I think she would say that we got a lot of our prayers answered. Scottie died a couple of weeks ago, at her home, on a ventilator, feeding tube and IV’s. I’m sure it wasn’t an easy ending but she was ready to stop suffering.

Today, I know that the difficult years with Scottie provided me with two things. They gave me income to help a daughter through veterinary school, which was the goal at the time. But they also prepared me for the present time with my husband. I would not have had the experience and the confidence to bring him home, had it not been for the things I learned caring for Scottie. His physical care is almost the same as hers was. I could not have foreseen that part, but I believe that God knew and was even then putting things in place to help us through this difficult time.

Thank you God. And thank you Scottie. May you rest in God’s peace.

We Made It

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Feature image is of one of our early attempts to replicate our wedding cake. It was a much scaled down version.

Somewhat the worse for wear, but we have made it. We have experienced, often enjoyed, sometimes survived (barely), and definitely been blessed by, fifty years of covenant marriage. Our covenant was with each other and with God. God’s part was, and still is, HUGE.

So much to learn

Back in 1973 we had no idea how different we were, in temperament, in interests, in long term goals, in relationship language. We were in college where our similarities were highlighted. We liked music, we actually went running together, we took time for dating, we had few responsibilities except to do well in school. We each had spent time in higher education – Dennis already had his PhD in Physics, I was part way through nursing school. At this point we both were aware that we were looking for a marriage partner. We were realizing that our growing relationships with God were making it hard to find people we were comfortable with. I have always thought that was the reason God brought us together. That desire to share a serious faith in God was at the top of the priority list. In that, we were well matched.

One of our graduations – 1974

So, for each of us, God helped the finding, the deciding, and the living it out. These years have shown us how we differ, for sure. I have often wondered why God thought we could make it, but he knew things we didn’t and was willing to help us, change us and grow us.

The man God chose for me is a very unusual and interesting person. Because of who he has been I have never worried about infidelity, being impoverished, never been threatened by addictions (unless you count addiction to work), never dealt with meanness or deliberate selfishness. During tough times I knew that we were both counting on God to teach us and help us through. God was always pointing out options, and none of them were ever divorce. I am so grateful.

Today I am not sure this husband of mine knows it is our anniversary, our 50th. He is severely disabled and at home with me, in hospice care. How hard this must be for him, and yet he is uncomplaining. He still exhibits his love for God, for music, even for me. He doesn’t remember much about where he is or what has happened to him, but he remembers who to call out for when he’s confused. I remind him he can still talk to God even when that’s all he can do. I tell him that we are not in China (and have never been), that we are in Wisconsin, that our condo is a safe, pleasant place, that the living room is now his bedroom because his hospital bed doesn’t fit anywhere else. He says okay and for a while he is fine with all that. He says that if I will turn off the tv and the lights he will go to sleep, and puckers up for a kiss.

A couple months ago I told him he had to stick around until January 14th, so as not to cheat me out of saying I had been married 50 years. I was uncertain he would make it. This morning we have spent precious minutes going over that day 50 years ago. He remembers the snow falling and who was his best man. Today his memory is clear, maybe better than mine. Funny how that works. Happy anniversary husband. Happy anniversary to us. We made it.

photo booth silliness
I was brunette, no I was blonde.
one of our few actual anniversary pictures
still smiling
changes over the years

Just realized I went through this whole post without mentioning the word “love”. How crazy is that? Love you husband.

Northwoods Journal: Summer

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It is sinking in that summer is really, finally here. This usually happens about four weeks before it gets cold again, so I am being very much in the present, eyes wide open, walking without a jacket, swatting at deer flies and even getting a bit warm at times.

It is getting late, almost 8:30 but I have sunlight still and it’s been a few days since I walked the wetland trail. We’ve had regular rain so the meadow is green. There are a few clouds but no wind. The sunset is getting better by the minute.

Even with the rain, the creeks and ponds are low but I love the way this one looks like a ribbon of reflected light.

The first sections of my path go past fields where milkweed plants abound. They are in full flower now which makes for a rather stunning plant. I often see deer in the fields in the evening and tonight I got to lock eyes with this young fellow. I thought he was stunning too.

Farther out in the marsh, I’m seeing “my geese”. I’m getting a sense of ownership – after all I’ve watched them grow up. Most of them look like adults now. Tonight they have the company of a pair of sand hill cranes. None of them seem to mind that I am taking pictures of them so I spend quite a bit of time watching.

Passing the wildflower field makes me happy because the black eyed susans are the color of happy. Passing the wildflower field also makes me sad because black eyed susans are a mid to late summer flower and I don’t want summer to be over anytime soon.

Splashes of color are everywhere, if you look for them.

I am reminded that this beautiful greenspace used to be a small golf course every time I see this sign, which now makes me laugh. It’s all green so I guess we can exit anywhere we want to.

The sun is nearly down and I am feeling like I’ve just had a shower of peace and blessing. Even the deer flies have gone to bed and are no longer following me. Time to be thanking God for helping me to be here in this place, at this time. Time to rest. Thanks for coming along.

Does My Heart Have Ears?

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My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.” And my heart responds, “Lord, I’m coming.” Psalm 27:8

I’m thinking about that question, “does my heart have ears?” I think it does.

I was walking one evening this week, feeling thankful for a chance to get out where it was quiet, feeling the rhythmic, somewhat stumbling way my feet were hitting the uneven ground, feeling like the open sky was listening. I was thinking (because it’s too hard not to think) about all the decisions of the day, all the possible responses to upcoming events, and processing, processing.

I felt like I heard in my spirit the suggestion that I talk about all those things – like, just speak them out. So I did that, and as I got into it more, it didn’t feel terribly weird. It felt like I was being listened to. It was easy to credit God with that – it had sounded like his voice, and no one else was around.

Being A Friend

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There is an art to being a good friend. It’s mostly about showing up in the right way, at the right times, consistently, and that’s not easy to do. It takes somewhat of an artist. Today I had fun looking at pictures of a “friend artist” that I have known for years. I should have finished this task yesterday on her birthday. But I believe in birth week, as well as birthday, so I’m still on time for that.

She came all the way from Florida to visit after we moved to Wisconsin.
She and her husband were our business associates for 30 years, which amounts to lots of dinners together, lots of discussions, lots of influence.
We both like to take walks and eat in cute, casual restaurants. She knows how to enjoy her friends in all kinds of settings.
She doesn’t mind getting into unusual places, meeting unusual people with me. This was at the barn of the Cracker Poemer. She adopted my friends as her own.
Always the smile is there. DeSoto Park.
Not afraid of new things or of following God’s leading. I remember this BSF leadership conference that we attended together.
I could always get her to show up for birthday parties I was throwing for friends – even at the beach on hot July days.
She has a way of loving my children as if they were her own. They feel that way about her too.
She and her husband give and serve in so many ways. I love hanging out with people like that. Walk for Life in Bradenton FL.

There are so many ways that this lady has exhibited friendship, that it would be hard to name them all (her husband too, but it’s not his birth week). We are thousands of miles apart now, but there are ways of being a friend at a distance and she knows how to do that too. I never had a sister, but she makes up for that in my life. Happy birth week Arlette. I love you dear friend.

Look through your photos, your letters, your memories and have fun today thinking about a friend who has meant a lot to you. You don’t have to wait until it’s their birthday. Tell them how much you appreciate their friendship. Tell them now while you have the chance. Just sayin’…

Birthday Week 2021

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Birthday week has officially been over for several days now, but I have yet to thank my well wishers because I’ve been traveling and struggling to keep up with the A to Z Challenge posts. But I am thankful! You all made me feel loved and celebrated. Here’s a little report (just because it’s Sunday and I don’t have to do a post for the A to Z).

On the 8th I was in Florida visiting with friends and family. The day started with going to the Dune Deck in Lantana for breakfast with an ocean view. I had heard of it often as a place my Florida family liked to do celebrations. Quite a few of our group were able to come and we had a relaxing time and a good breakfast. They had no birthday cake, but they did have key lime pie, with a candle, and they sang the song. It felt birthdayish.

I’ve already forgotten what the rest of the day was like, except I do remember there being a pool and a floaty that was conducive to napping. That also was far from my normal day, and very birthdayish.

Dinner had been claimed by one of my dear friends, who took our whole family out to a Japanese steakhouse, hibachi grill style. Yes, the food was good and the cook did his best to impress us with his knives and his onion volcano, but the real fun was just being together with all the family, young and old. Never mind that one of the kid’s paper cup sprang a leak (accidentally he said as he plugged the hole with his toothpick) and shot soft drink around, and another one sent the bowl of that thick pink sauce shooting off the table and onto the floor. I wasn’t the parent so it was more like an interesting movie, a comedy, to watch it all take place.

This must be the first trick they ALL learn.

The trip down to Florida and back, flying first class, was kind of a birthday present from me, to me as well as to Mom, who was with me on this adventure. On the way down, it was too early to feel like doing anything except closing our eyes and occasionally lifting our masks to eat our snacks. On the way home we were more ready to take advantage of everything first class offered.

I got cards from friends and each one was read and treasured. It is greatly encouraging to be remembered in this way and knowing that, I think I will try to do more card sending this year. A few gifts, and real flowers came my way. Thank you all so much – you know who you are (and I’m planning on sending cards there too.). Last but not least, to all my facebook friends, thank you for being there and responding to the Facebook prompt to send a greeting. You didn’t have to do it, but you did and I saw it.

Birthday week is over, but because of it I will feel more connected to people all year long. That is what I care about. Grateful for you all!

February Goodness: Movement

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“I have got to get out of here!” This thought comes to me every now and then and thankfully I can do something about it. I can move. I often think, well, what if I couldn’t?

I’ve seen the frustration of people who can’t move due to life changing paralysis (former client), or chronic disease (the husband) and it never fails to produce gratitude. But, when I’m not looking right at it and thinking about it with intention, I sometimes take movement for granted.

Today was one of those days when I knew I should get out and move a little, because I still can. It’s cold outside (yeah, winter…) and the first few minutes I felt it. My face got cold and I felt the warmth being sucked out through the multiple layers of leggings, shirts and jackets. I was breathing differently to protect my lungs. A few minutes later as I started moving my skis, I forgot all about the cold. And by the time I’d been out an hour and a half, circling the property multiple times, stopping here and there to take a picture, I was actually hot inside all those layers. Movement wakes my body up, and it feels really good.

Wide, open spaces where I can move (to keep warm).

The ability to move is something to be thankful for, and it’s worth protecting. I ask God daily to help me keep moving, both for my own sake and for those I help, because they can’t move as well. Maybe it’s aging that is giving me more awareness of how wonderful it is to move. Maybe it’s February, and winter, and the cold.

If you got up today, stretched and walked out of the bedroom, savor that. Move it, while you can.

A 2020 Celebration

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I’ll bet with all the memes and jokes about 2020, you are surprised that I’ve found something worth celebrating this year. But I have! I’ve actually found many things worthy of celebrating and writing about.

Today I had a great report from a cancer screening test and I couldn’t wait to celebrate by taking a long, long walk. It felt so good to swing my arms and stride along. I had not been aware of being anxious, but apparently I was. The relief made me feel lighter than air. I had asked for my health to be protected, knowing that is not always how things work. Good health is not the ultimate sign of God’s approval, and he even works his purpose through the death of his most loved persons. I guess when you have the intelligence to create life, to restore and make anything brand new, and when you plan to eventually resurrect all who’ve died anyway, you think a bit differently about death in general. Nevertheless, I admit that I struggle to keep God’s perspective in mind at times. And I particularly don’t like cancer.

For me, there is no better way to celebrate than to move, to see, to experience the natural world. I could give you the short story – it was a beautiful day and I saw a deer and two snakes. Or I could show you with my pictures, which I love to do. August is the last month of summer. Everything here in the north is maturing and getting ready to die or go dormant in a very few weeks. The colors are different, the grasses and flowers are going to seed. You can feel the progression of life cycles that are expertly designed to show us things about God, if we will look, and think about what we see.

Grasses and cat tails going to seed, berries maturing, goldenrod and sunflowers, ferns changing colors and getting OLD. Autumn is coming.
The irresistible trail (a miracle, not a single mosquito or deer fly did I swat.).
Hospital trail, Beaver Pond Loop, where rest stops are furnished with urinal and chamber pot, naturally.
Beaver Pond, with beaver lodge in the distance.
There is a snake in here, but you have to look really closely. I nearly stepped on it before it crawled off the path. Adrenalin moment.
God poured a lot of creativity, whimsy and humor into making fungi. I don’t know why, but I appreciate that he did it.

If you put away thoughts of COVID19, politics, natural disasters, and riots, I’ll bet you can find something to celebrate in 2020 too. I’d love to hear about it.

Soul Medicine

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This created world… When I cannot write, I wander away from the house and look. I can’t help but think that God is sending messages to counteract confusion, fear, anger, and despair, if people will look. These things are here in my world to make me examine, wonder, hope and lose myself and my anxious thoughts for a moment, at least. I am so thankful. For sight and things to see, for hearing and sounds to hear, for mobility, for safety. I may not have these things always and that is okay, for I have them now. I wish I could package them up and send them to everyone who needs beauty, and peace, everyone who wishes for something to be grateful for. But this is the best I can do.

The most amazing thing is that you, and I, and all people, ALL PEOPLE, are the masterpiece of his creation, and all this beauty was put here for us. If we could only look into each other’s eyes and see something far more beautiful than anything in nature. “Made in his image” is how he put it, and capable of so much more than we are doing now. I feel the sadness in this, but I don’t think there is a problem that God doesn’t have an answer for.

2020 Birthday

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Yesterday was my birthday…

And I decided to count and name my blessings throughout the day.

1. I woke up. The chance to celebrate one more time.

2. I woke up on land my grandfather used to own, still in the family, in a free land.

3. 12 people actually read yesterday’s blog post.

4. I had hair to comb.

5. I got to go over and have coffee with my mom.

6. My youngest brother came over to sit with us and tell me happy birthday.

7. Mom added a 1927 cookbook to my antique collection.

8. Pancakes and Nutella for breakfast.

9. A day with no rain in the forecast!

10. Singing birds everywhere outside – red winged blackbird trills,my favorite birthday song.

11. Online greetings that make me tear up.

12. No headache today.

13. Already have supper figured out and ready to cook.

14. A long birthday walk on Hospital Trail North, all 10,000 steps in the great outdoors

15. A surprise stare down with a beautiful wild deer in the forest (which I took as a birthday present since it doesn’t happen very often)

16. More birthday blessings from people online, more happiness reviewing those memories

17. A “hope” rock from my sister-in-law

18. The special dinner – I didn’t burn anything!

19. Birthday dessert from my mom.

20. Alexa played music I liked all evening – another rare occurrence.

21. FaceTime talks, texts, and calls from family during the day. They all helped me to feel valued and to process the fact of aging, and live with the fear of it.

22. The mantra “We understand fear is normal, but courage gets the final say.” from “The Next Right Thing” by Emily Freeman