The Weight of Decision

November 19, 2014November 19, 2014 Shirleyjdietz2 Comments

I love animals. I am in awe of their endless variety, the ways that they can interact with us humans, the comfort they can give, the lessons they can teach, their surprising intelligence (once we learn how to detect it), and the love and devotion they show. They are enough like us that it is scary at times and I am never more aware of this than when I look into my cat’s eyes. She meets my gaze and we have a moment of reading each other’s thoughts – or so it seems.

I say “my cat” (and she would probably agree) but in reality she was rescued by my daughter Julia. As the story goes, she was found wandering in some parking lot in Orlando, Florida as a kitten. Kittens do not survive well in parking lots, so my daughter, who is a rescuer by nature, brought her home and she became our cat. She had a few names, however the one that stuck, because it was easy to remember, was Gray Kitty. Not very imaginative, but it worked.

Years later when Julia moved away to attend veterinary school, she took two of her cats with her but left Gray Kitty with me. I didn’t mind. I haven’t seen very many cats that are as beautiful and pleasant to look at as Gray Kitty. Gray is a nice color to begin with, plus the added attraction of white feet and bib, topped off with white whiskers and brilliant green eyes – there is a pretty cat. Most of the time her voice was tiny, quiet and responsive. I would say her name and she would answer. I would enter the room and she would acknowledge me. I would pick her up and she would start purring immediately and not stop until I put her down. For a cat, she was sensible and seldom caused trouble or worried me.

"I know you guys are eating. I know you can't ignore me... " — I know you guys are eating. I know you can’t ignore me…

There was a season in my work life when I would come home exhausted every day, barely able to make it to the recliner. No matter where she was in the house, the sound of the recliner being stretched out would have her in my lap within seconds. She would get comfy in her feline manner, and settle down for “our nap”.

She learned that kitchen noises were associated with food, for her and for us. She learned the art of silent begging. When we would finally sit at the table, she had her spot close by where she could fix her eyes on us and dare us to ignore her. She loved drinking out of the bathroom sink. She loved being outside.

And now she has gotten old, and don’t I know how that feels! We have more in common than ever. But she has also fallen ill with kidney disease. Her appetite has waned and in the last few weeks she has hardly eaten anything in spite of special food, constantly available. She is as light as a feather. Her calls, or cries, have become different and more plaintive. She often sits or stands in odd places with a dazed look on her face, and sometimes loses her balance. She is failing. These kinds of things do not improve. The pain of seeing her suffer is at war with the pain of deciding to stop her suffering and I feel the weight of decision. It is heavy.

A Day in which I Acquire a Boat

November 15, 2014November 15, 2014 ShirleyjdietzLeave a comment

For some reason, I have had presents on my mind lately. No, not because of the not so subtle Christmas marketing EVERYWHERE. It’s more because my parents’ birthdays are both this month, and I was making a gift or two to take to our family Thanksgiving next week. I love presents. It’s fun to make them, fun to give them, fun to get them. I can plan the first two, the making and giving, but it’s hard to plan getting a present unless you are great at buying yourself gifts. As I pretty much always do when thinking to myself, I ran that thought past God. ( He’s listening to my thoughts anyway so I might as well be conversant.) ” It would sure be nice to get a present God. I know there’s really nothing I need, but if there is something you wouldn’t mind giving me, I’d just like the excitement of getting a present. ”

For years now I have been taking guests and friends out on the water in kayaks that I borrow from a good friend. When I know someone wants to go I call my friend several days ahead to make sure he isn’t planning to use his kayaks, then I borrow the husband’s truck, drive 20 minutes and pick up the kayaks which are on a trailer. I have to have the right size hitch on the truck, which means I’ve lost and bought at least two of them. I have to hook up the lights on the trailer, which means I’ve lost, borrowed and bought at least two electrical adapters. I have to lock and unlock the trailer hitch, which means I’ve had to buy and replace a couple of padlocks. I’ve had to buy and borrow life vests for numerous people of varying sizes. All this to say that there is a lot of work involved in having fun on the water. But it is still just so interesting to float around on these beautiful rivers, surrounded by birds and tropical wonders that I’ve considered it well worth the trouble.

Last winter my cousin Mark, who loves to fish, decided we should look for used kayaks. If we each had one, he and a buddy could go fishing in them, and I could take friends out for a paddle too. They would get more use if we shared them. So we spent most of the season looking on craigslist and at sales but nothing was quite right. I continued borrowing from my friend.

Last week my cousin arrived for the winter and decided to go buy his fishing kayak. There was a sale at a sports store and he wanted to get it done. Back he came with a kayak in his Suburban. His wife’s remark was “You know this means that tomorrow you’re going to see a great deal on a used kayak…” I was there, I heard her say that. Unbelievably, fifteen minutes after I got home I got a text from another cousin in town, Kim, telling me that her neighbor was selling his two kayaks for less than half their value and they were in like new condition, with paddles, seats and life vests.

Something like that almost demands to be considered. I’ve been a little financially stressed lately, making sure all my medical bills get paid, lots of house repair expenditures, etc… Even though I’ve managed to meet these demands I still feel insecure enough that it’s hard for me to shell out money for fun when so much serious stuff has to be paid for. I mean, I get nervous eating out, much less buying a boat. I decided to ask the husband if he would be upset with me if this came to pass. Would he tell me the garage was too full already? Would he remind me that we’re trying to downsize, not accumulate more? In what direction might he freak out? What he said, “No, kayaks are always easy to sell again so if they’re a good deal, get them.” Ha ha.

I still thought they might be terrible kayaks, ones that wouldn’t be sturdy enough to hold Mark (who is a big man) or maybe they would smell like dead fish, or be some awful color. All of those possibilities could keep me from having to make the decision… But they were beautiful, hardly used, top quality, and the friendly man from England who was selling them clearly wasn’t out to get his money back. Oh my goodness, we bought them, picked them up an hour later and went immediately out to the river to test them out. They floated very nicely.

Instead of spending the day at home like I had planned, I got to do this.

the water was still and almost black! My boat is blue!

Reflections! Two of everything along the bank.

love to look at all this crazy Florida plant life!

It’s not that my prayers for blessings always get answered in the affirmative or immediately. But today I got a present and I really had no idea it was coming. I’m going to give God the credit. It’s the kind of thing he would have fun doing. I’m just sayin’…

Today’s Pleasant Thoughts

November 10, 2014November 10, 2014 ShirleyjdietzLeave a comment

The everyday, mundane things are special to me. Sometimes I hesitate to write about them, as if I have to write to entertain others and of course, these simple things would not be entertaining. But I do write about them because to me it is a miracle that I can see the ordinary, hear voices that are dear to me, organize thoughts, feel gratitude, and appreciation welling up inside, and write. That these marks on paper can mean anything is a miracle. We are so marvelously made.

My Mom’s freezer is full of cookies for the Thanksgiving holiday.

The property tax bills just came, but we have escrow accounts! What a relief.

My client graduated to rehab and is doing very well.

My car is clean inside and out (for a change).

I’m going to get rid of the bougainvillea bush that never looks beautiful and tries to stab me every time i come near. Gonna cut the thing down.

I don’t have to cook, there are leftovers, good ones.

It is not snowing here. It is beautiful here. It will be snowing in Wisconsin when we go for Thanksgiving. It will be beautiful there too.

For some reason I feel relaxed and not stressed out. I’m not going to question it.

I’m not in charge of anything (but I have plenty to do).

So good to get a phone call from a voice I know and love. I don’t want to forget how my people sound.

At it’s low November position, the sun lights things up like no other time of year. Love, love, love to look.

In A Rhythm

November 9, 2014November 9, 2014 Shirleyjdietz3 Comments

I’m going to be gracious and say that’s what it was. He was just in a rhythm and because of that it felt possible.

A couple weeks ago the husband and I both had to be out on a Monday night, in the same direction, so to save fuel we rode together. That was good of us. I am always a bit leery of this kind of arrangement because it means giving up a great deal of control. When my meeting starts first I get dropped off and I never know when/if I’ll get picked up again. He tends to lose track of time. I think it’s wonderful that he’s such an “in the moment” type of person, but understandably, he’s always more in his moment than in mine. I have resorted to walking to meet him (blisters from walking two miles in dress shoes) or waiting in the deserted parking lot (creepy).

The other vulnerable element is having to let the husband drive my car. Sometimes I just have to put anxiety aside, let it go, because there is no other reasonable choice. And when/if he picks me up, and if I don’t make him get out of the driver’s seat I end up being a passenger. When I do this, I know God is giving me an exercise in self control. I abhor having to tell other people how to drive and unless we are about to go head on into a semi-truck I try to keep silent. It’s hard. I try not to even watch the road when the husband drives because, well, I just trust that we won’t die before it’s our time to go.

We did a short stretch on the interstate, all was well, and then headed west in city traffic. As I said, I was not paying a great deal of attention until, going through a wide, major intersection, there was an unusually bright flash of light. It had never happened to me before but I knew what it was. We had been photographed. A Kodak moment on the road. That doesn’t happen because you have a beautiful car, or you’ve won a drivers sweepstakes. It means the traffic signal was red and somebody didn’t stop when they should have.

This week, in the mail, I got a letter with a picture of my car traveling, alone, through the intersection. It was a nice shot – the only thing I would have done differently would have been to get the angle that showed who was driving. So now I have a violation on my license until it’s cleared up (and it will be, trust me). There is a “generous” fine. In explaining the whole thing to my daughter on the phone today, the husband told her “well, I went through two other yellow lights before I got to this one…” so I figure that he was kind of in a rhythm that he didn’t want to break. Like he said, it should have been a longer light. Like he said, those traffic cams aren’t legal are they? Like he said, he didn’t want to have to slam on the brakes. Excuses, excuses. I’m just sayin’…

Well Said

November 6, 2014November 6, 2014 Shirleyjdietz1 Comment

“To see the law by Christ fulfilled,
And hear his pardoning voice,
Changes a slave into a child,
And duty into choice.”
-John Calvin

I really like the way he put that, and I agree.

By Any Other Name

November 4, 2014 Shirleyjdietz3 Comments

Have you ever wondered what your life would have felt like if you had been named differently? Would things have gone differently for you if you were named Oliver instead of Dave, or Polly instead of Tiffany?

I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about that, but today at Burger King (it was necessary, believe me) I had the opportunity to be someone else for just a few seconds. The guy at the counter took my order, looked up and said “Name?” And for some reason I told him “Clara”. I do not know why Clara, I just wanted to see how it felt. It’s not my name, not even close.

I realize there was no danger involved as in a spy alias, and it wasn’t like I was lying either – he didn’t specify that it had to be my name. It was just a small, secret excitement to keep my own name hidden and be a Clara for a few minutes. That old fashioned name that I never hear much anymore… I had to spend the wait time consciously thinking Clara thoughts, lest I forget who I was trying to be and not recognize my food when it was called out.

What became clear to me is that I have become so accustomed to “living in” my name, writing it, seeing it on letters, name badges, checks, hearing it spoken and just thinking it, that I can’t imagine being anyone else. It identifies my life to me and it feels strange to be called anything else. Just sayin’…

Clara's receipt, complete with ketchup. — Clara’s receipt, complete with ketchup.

(Another totally weird thing is to google your name and see how many other people are called the same thing? How can that be? Have you done that?)

Being Led

November 2, 2014November 2, 2014 Shirleyjdietz1 Comment

One of the hardest things for me in my relationship with God is knowing when he’s telling me something. I’m sitting in the physical, trying to hear from the spiritual and honestly, I need more practice at it to be sure what I’m hearing.
The husband has been a member of a community band for years. It takes quite a bit of his time and is really his one and only hobby. He plays trumpet, helps on the board, and with their website and talks about band, band, band all the time. I’m not a band music type of person, although I can usually find something to enjoy about any music played well. I have been to quite a few of his concerts over the years but lately I have felt more selfish with my time. I have many things I enjoy doing as much (more) than listening to marches and show tunes.
Today there is a fall concert, and I would say that the husband has been a tiny bit stressed out about it. I had not discussed with him whether I would go or not. He left early to be there for a practice and warm up. I was at home wanting very much to have a lovely quiet afternoon. Unfortunately, I have found that often in that situation I begin to have persistent thoughts that maybe I should be doing something else. Like, maybe going to a concert in support of the husband. Is this the voice of God testing my willingness to listen? Is this an overzealous conscience fueled by guilt? Hmmm… what are the chances?
So here I am at the concert (painfully early I might add), which I know will probably make the husband happy.
It’s possible it wasn’t God talking but he knows that I thought it might be him, so I think he’s happy too. It strikes me as the kind of thing God would do to surprise both the husband and me, so in that way I am looking forward to how this will turn out. And what can it hurt? I feel sort of blessed already, I’m just sayin’…

Vigil

October 27, 2014August 11, 2015 Shirleyjdietz2 Comments

If a person is a nurse, which I am by profession, it is almost impossible to avoid having to make decisions for people. At the very least one has to know when to influence people to make a decision for themselves that is best for them. Sometimes the decisions are about life or death and the responsibility can be scary and somewhat overwhelming. It just comes with the job. When I walk out the door on my way to work I am most always in a prayerful mode, asking God for the patience to make it through the day and the smarts to know what I am seeing when I look at my clients. It’s been one of those scary weeks and I am thankful that my prayers are heard and answered.

My newest elderly client (and friend) has been out of rehab and at home for almost three weeks. He came home far too soon and needed a lot more help than any of us knew he would need, but we had hopes that his strength would increase and he would thrive. He was so overjoyed to be in his own house and out of the hospital. I was leaving to visit my parents a few days after he came home, but we managed to get a crew together to be with him almost 24 hours a day. There were ups and downs as everyone settled into routines. I returned from my time away and began helping with Jack’s care again.

And then this week, there came the morning that he was so short of breath that sitting up on the side of the bed required a rest period. Trying to get into the car for a doctor appointment was so difficult that we decided to cancel it. And his own admission that he didn’t feel well and just wanted to lie down finally tipped the balance for me. Something was wrong and not getting better. This was the first time I have ever called 911. It was a good decision. We were in the ER for the next six hours and he was finally admitted to the hospital with congestive heart failure.

There are four of us caretakers for Jack and we are still keeping vigil. He was moved to the cardiac ICU yesterday. Jack remains uncomplaining, always worrying about whether we have eaten, always trying to send us home to rest and wondering if we’re taken care of. We have hopes that he will improve and come home again, but there is an awareness of how fragile life is, how quickly things can change and how precious the time is that we have with each other. I’m just saying that vigils can be a bit stressful…

Where did the time go?

October 18, 2014October 18, 2014 Shirleyjdietz3 Comments

The town of Hayward, Wisconsin where my family lives is about four hours from a major airport so I have become familiar with the shuttle service, Northwest Travel. This morning at 6 am, I climbed into the van with Dave, the driver, for the ride to Minneapolis. It was dark dark. Dave had just made it home at 10 pm the night before, having made the same run.

We talk from time to time about the area were driving through. Most of the drivers are retired people with a history in Hayward and we usually find we have people and places in common.

I’m grateful my mom packed cheese and crackers and apple slices which she thought would make a good snack on the plane. They are breakfast for me and are gone in the first half hour. The flavor of the smoked Gouda mixed with the sweetness of apple is so right for fall and the quiet darkness of the trip.

It was a busy time, this last ten days. The routines and tasks were different from my usual so in that sense it was a vacation, and a refreshment, not my usual work.

I got along fine with the one outfit of clothing that I wore. Mom and I made a trip to the thrift shops and at $4 a bag I was able to put together a nearly awesome northern wardrobe. I recommend the no pack method to anyone brave enough to try it.

I enjoyed spending time getting to know my neice and nephew as teenagers. I stayed with them a couple of times when they were much littler. Now they are homeschooling, driving, babysitting others and doing their own cooking and shopping. Times change. Missed my brother and his wife but so glad they were able to take a much deserved anniversary outing.

And of course the precious (can’t really think of another word for it) time with mom and dad, sharing some of their routines, talking. We laughed over lots of things, got stocked up on jigsaw puzzles for the coming thanksgiving holiday, and last night we cried over a sad movie. More memories, and hopefully we will be able to remember them, although you never can count on that.

Thankful for life, for the ability to travel, for the opportunity to share simple things. Thank you, once again.

Someone Else’s Life

October 13, 2014October 13, 2014 Shirleyjdietz6 Comments

When you think about it, it’s a rare thing to step into someone else’s life and live there for a few days when they are not there. It’s a little surreal in fact. This week I am still me, but I am living as a “stand in” for my brother and his wife while they are gone on a well deserved anniversary trip. This morning after sleeping in their bed, with their dog, I got up and watched the sky get light from my sister-in-law’s favorite chair in her second story bedroom.

My brother's house and the upstairs window that looks to the east - love it. — My brother’s house and the upstairs bay window that looks to the east – love it.

I walked over to my parents house for my first cup of coffee for the morning, and then back to have breakfast with my brother’s two children Claire and Evan. Today they are starting the week’s schoolwork which is scheduled in detail for them. They study at home and I’m warned there might be questions about algebra, geometry and writing.

My nephew and the dog studying together.

My brother and his wife have a genuine interest in their children and their children’s friends. They invite a small group of teens from their church over to their house every other week – yesterday was the day for that and my brother explained how he hated to cancel it just because they weren’t going to be home. So he didn’t. I am glad my brother isn’t afraid to freak me out, and I’m thankful God keeps me calm and trusting when I’m challenged.

Evan and I went shopping Saturday and got healthy snacks and he cleaned up the family room in preparation. What a responsible guy! After church on Sunday, Evan and I got into the van and I sat waiting for the rest of the kids to come out and join us, I didn’t realize they were already seated behind us until one of them asked me what i was waiting for. What a quiet, well-behaved group! (this really happened).

At the house they had a great time cutting up apples and making hot chocolate. They spent half an hour eating and talking with each other, half ah hour listening to me talk about my experiences with teens in Cambodia, and half ah hour playing a game while waiting for their parents to pick them up. They were respectful to me, kind and encouraging to each other and still looked like they were having a lot of fun. What a refreshing look at today’s youth!

the game gets crazy... — the game gets crazy…

The family dog really misses my sister-in-law. He is a lap dog and it’s almost like having a baby in the house – one that wants to be held all the time. He is getting used to me though, as is the family cat. This morning they were both giving me “the stare” as I started doing things in the kitchen. The water bowl was empty and they seemed to know how to get someone to fill it. As i said, the dog sleeps quietly all night on the bed with me, and yesterday he took me for a walk too. What a sweet dog!

wpid-2014-10-13-12.55.30.png.png — More of what we saw on our walk, the dog and I.

It’s all good so far and I fully expect the rest of the week to go smoothly. I suppose it’s partly a case of extra good behavior to go easy on Aunt Shirley, and that’s okay, but mostly I think it’s a blessed life that I’ve stepped into and get a chance to live in, for a few days. What an interesting opportunity!